


Non ti scordar di me

by Akichin



Series: Oikage week 2018 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bad Decisions, Coming Out, Day 7, Denial of Feelings, Eventual Happy Ending, First Kiss, From Sex to Love, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Redemption, hanahaki disease au, oikageweek, sex with feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-01 04:24:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14512482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akichin/pseuds/Akichin
Summary: Tōru does the same now, ignoring his previous order, and Kageyama, while sighing, recognizes Oikawa's good shampoo, the one he usually uses after training.It's elderflower and lemon mixed together, a summer scent – even if today the clouds threaten them to bring an autumnal rain; it's a fragment that brings to Tobio's mind those faraway places in tourists' postcards - Italy or Greece, it doesn't matter; it's nice because it immediately reminds him Tōru's expressions and their occasional moments of kindness.In a spontaneous gesture he put his hands in Tōru's hair, he sees his own fingers disappear between those brown locks and as always he thinks that he prefers Oikawa like this, more messy, without that artificial hairstyle of  his every day life.Oikawa lets him do it, the heat Tobio's emanating almost makes him doze off and it wouldn't hurt, for once, to fall asleep leaning like this, on his belly.--(Everyone like a bouquet with blue and white flowers)





	1. Abitudini

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'm super-late, but I began university again, so I didn't write a lot.  
> This is a translation as always, but it wasn't plotted as a long-fic, so the chapters are super short. (because in Italian I'll post it all as a one-shot, but I haven't finished it yet.)  
> Non ti scordar di me is the Italian name of the flower Forget-me not, or knows also as Myosotis. 
> 
> This is my first Hanahaki!AU EVER! I hope this is okay.

**Non ti scordar di me**

 

 

_{As a drop of autumn fell on your cheek,_  
_letting sorrow loose,_  
_i made a wish on the hidden moon_  
_that my love for you will fade away .}_  
Kalafina – Kugatsu

The first time Tobio coughs is in Oikawa's room; he's sleepy, in the still warm bed and he sees Tōru walking nervously across the room, talking on the phone with someone - perhaps Iwaizumi-san.  
The first time it happens here, Tobio is almost drowse, the sheets sticking to his skin and he's hiding with the head against the pillow, intoxicated for one moment by Tōru's scent mixed with his.  
It's not exactly pleasant, but it reminds him of what they just did, an undeniable reality, though - as in other occasions - Oikawa will kick him out in a few minutes from his house.  
He's accustomed to that embarrassment, to that shame that hovers between them when they wake up next to each other; in Tōru's eyes he always perceives an emptiness that doesn't console him, which brings him back to the sad reality of their relationship.  
_Complicated, false_ , because when he finds his senpai's body above himself it isn't romance, it's just attraction - a magnet that brings them closer, but without a real, sentimental touch.  
  
Oikawa keeps walking in the room, discussing an upcoming match, and Kageyama looks as if he doesn't know him at all: he bites the inside of his cheek, when Iwaizumi scolds him, he casually tidies his clothes a bit, when his mother's voice reminds him that they aren't alone at home.  
And Tobio, the first time he coughs, is right on his messy sheets, on that pillow that he keeps to hold tight; it's a spurt of blue on white, small petals that, in the first moment, seem like confetti placed there as a joke.  
He hasn't a flu, he's sure because he hardly gets sick, and the last week training was like always; he hasn't had trouble trying new attacks with Hinata in the gym or neither in intimate moments from the night before when, perhaps with unusual sweetness, Oikawa was inside him, biting his neck jokingly.  
But, the blue petals are still there, he touches them almost intimated and they're soft - just like those of a true flower - but on Tōru's shelves there are no plants nor vases.  
He tries to clear his throat and again he sees them, scattered on the blankets without an apparent and logical reason; now he understands, one of them comes out of his mouth as soon as he opens his lips and on his palate remains a strange and bittersweet flavour, feeling satisfied although he hasn't ate anything yet.  
  
Oikawa is disappeared, he only hears humming from the bathroom door and, even if he's a bad liar, Tobio has only one opportunity to hide the evidence of his strange, new illness; he can't make them disappear into the trash under the latter's desk, and for this reason he dresses quickly, filling the pockets of his uniform with petals and he's ready with his bag, regardless of how little presentable he is for school.  
«Tobio-chan, it's true that I told you to go, but you have time to take a quick shower.»  
Kageyama is tempted by revealing the truth, he's undecided because Tōru seems to have woken up in a good mood and yes he is, because he greets his kōhai with an affectionate pinch on his cheek; maybe Oikawa is the only one who can explain what's going on, he's older than him and Tobio trusts him, although paradoxically they aren't close friends.  
But when he opens his mouth to speak, Tobio just says goodbye, as if the petals hidden in his pockets had just convinced him to keep the secret.  
«When, the next time, Oikawa-san?»  
The oldest sighs when he senses the insistence of his dear kōhai; their meetings shouldn't be a constant pledge -they're _not_ together, after all – but Tobio's always been that way since they were kids; Kageyama doesn't know how to let go and Oikawa still has the task of placating his hopes.  
«I don't know, I'm busy this week and on the weekend I have a Gōkon with Iwa-chan.»  
Tobio would ask him many things: first of all because he feels the need to meet new girls when, in addition to their secret sessions, he is constantly followed by classmates who would pay for an afternoon spent in his company.  
Then he tries to justify him, maybe Oikawa's only the organizer of that evening and more than a blind date, it's just a way to help his best friend to meet some pretty girl.  
Tōru cannot betray him, Kageyama knows the real reason; he cannot do so simply because they together are nothing and even Tobio, if he want, could seek the company of others.  
It's silly because he's not extroverted as Oikawa, it's difficult to talk to others, to express his feelings; along with everything, he must recognize that there isn't in Japan, if not in the whole world, someone like Oikawa Tōru.  
_Oikawa is many different things_ : the volleyball player who Tobio's always admired, a great captain, a respectable setter; again, he's the capricious, selfish guy and the Liar; in all this, though, Tobio perceives an uncertainty that others don't see -or ignore- and that brings him hopelessly to be attracted by him.  
The rest is worth less than the same Tōru wants to believe; he's cute, yes, also popular, but Kageyama has never been superficial nor a guy looking for a status in the intricate hierarchical society of school.  
Maybe for the others he's the loser or the grumpy, but he doesn't care; his life doesn't depend on Oikawa's presence, though he's charmed by him, and it's one of the reason why he didn't tell anyone what's going on between them.  
  
«I'll text you as soon as I have a free night, good luck Tobio-chan.»  
He mentions a distracted smile then closes the bathroom door abruptly.  
Tobio, in silence, coughs once again and in the palm of his hand appear new blue petals.

 


	2. Verità

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> «Kageyama, do you like someone?»  
> Their eyes meet and the question is so unexpected that Tobio doesn't know how to behave; he blushes, without pronounce a word, but by his excessive reaction is easy to understand the answer.

 

The second time Kageyama coughs is during training, Hinata and Tsukishima rabidly argue about their upcoming matches; they don't pronounce Oikawa's name, but his title of Grand King awakens Tobio's pain, obliged to drop the ball to be able to cover his mouth.  
The petals are wet against his palm, accompanied by blood drops that worry Sugawara, not far from him - which runs from one side of the gym to the other to find a cloth to help his teammate.  
Tobio notices the confused looks of the others, he doesn't feel bad, but he hasn't time nor an opportunity to argue because Sawamura orders him to sit on the bench and the only one who can keep him company right now is Yamaguchi.  
They aren't used to talk to each other without Shōyō or Kei, but the timid kindness that Yamaguchi reserves to him isn't annoying, on the contrary, at the moment he feels to be understood more from him than from any other.  
  
«You know how they call it?»  
Tadashi asks while holding back an obvious sense of concern; he bent down for a moment and Tobio realizes only now that in his hands there is one of the petals lost shortly before, raising a quivering smile – an attempt to appear as reassuring as possible.  
«It's nothing.»  
Tobio doesn't know what it is, but admitting his ignorance embarrasses him, though Yamaguchi doesn't seem willing to make fun of him; he's serious, maybe as never seen before, and he isn't disgusted by that single petal that he's holding gently between his fingers.  
_«Hanahaki.»_  
He concludes, not another word or another smile to calm the latter; a small and insignificant line scratches his forehead and the expression on his face is now a mix between an excessive worry and a rational tranquillity.  
It seems that he wants Tobio to know, even without opening his mouth, that his illness isn't anything that he may die for, but it brings sadness as any disease that strikes a victim randomly.  
_The Hanahaki is like that_ : not some divine punishment nor a consequence of bad choices; the symptoms are so clear for Yamaguchi that, for one moment, Kageyama believes he has in front of him someone who was a victim as well, but not any more.  
It's sad, because a part of Tobio believes that he deserves the humiliation and pain, but Tadashi differs from him, he never hurt anyone to deserve such punishment; it's almost embarrassing to know that two so different persons share something besides volleyball, but Kageyama – it's sure of this - knows that Tadashi will keep the secret if asked.  
«Hanahaki.»  
The echo arrives late, it's like a grumbling dispersed in the small corner of the gym, between dribbles and their teammates' screams; the word slip from his lips and finally the new information just hushes him, letting Tadashi to break the silence again.  
It doesn't happen right away, they remain sit side by side, watching the others work out; they observes the familiar scene in front of them, the usual bickering and the severe captain's orders.  
Kageyama wouldn't never give up on volleyball, even if completely unable; he would fight, if necessary, to return on the court, because he knows that he _belongs_ to this world and no real disease - or presumed- could stop him from following his goal.  
  
«Kageyama, do you like someone?»  
Their eyes meet and the question is so unexpected that Tobio doesn't know how to behave; he blushes, without pronounce a word, but by his excessive reaction is easy to understand the answer.  
He wonders how Yamaguchi can know his story– he's sure that he'd never been seen and Oikawa is too far from Karasuno, so he wouldn't visit it for any reason.  
It's a secret that they decided to keep, convenient for both because no one knows Kageyama's sexual preferences and, at the same time, Tōru has found an easy way to relax, though openly admit to having a relationship so intimate with his kōhai would expose him more than necessary.  
They were careful, away from prying eyes and gossip; Oikawa knows how to be a good liar, but even if the weak link in the relationship is Tobio, he's certain to have been sufficiently cautious.  
«Ok, keep calm, _that's okay_. You don't have to tell me who they are, but I assume that this person doesn't know anything.»  
Yamaguchi's kindness disappears and the seriousness returns back - it must be Tsukishima's influence to made him particularly straightforward; it doesn't matter, Tobio can't deny the evidence now, and the sense of embarrassment he felt at the beginning doesn't fade now, on the contrary, it leads him almost to babble, no longer capable of formulating a sentence that has a real meaning.  
They're not friends, actually, Kageyama doesn't even understand what friendship really is, but he trusts the confidentiality of the other and revealing himself might dissolve many doubts.  
«Hanahaki is a disease given by unrequited feelings,» an annoyed expression appears on Tobio's face, but it's not enough to stop Tadashi; «it may sound silly, I know, but it's like that.»  
Tobio finally understands the sudden curiosity on his part, it's not personal interest, but useful to explain those symptoms; Tobio now knows that the infamous blue petals symbolize something he denied for a long time, a silence that has kept to himself since he was a little kid.  
He's ashamed, even, because he never would have guessed that such a naive sentiment could cause so dramatic consequences.  
«So, what am I supposed to do? I don't care about anything else, I just want to be able to start training again.»  
A smile is all he receives as a reply, a peaceful expression, a sign that Yamaguchi isn't surprised by his words; he already expected a question like that, a part of Tobio is predictable even to someone who doesn't know him so well and the same Tobio, perhaps foolishly, now feels too much exposed.  
«Right, but it's not so simple; the first chance you have, and that's what I suggest, is to confess your feelings.»  
He whispers it as if it were easy, but the slight murmur isn't a mockery, rather, Tadashi observes hopeful and serene Tobio, a grain of certainty in his eyes makes Tobio thinks, for a brief moment, that revealing his feelings to Oikawa can only lead to a happy ending.  
Yet, _he knows_ , yes, he knows that the reality between them isn't so positive, though the situation were decided by both of them, but Yamaguchi trusts him and that's enough to hope a little longer.  
«And the second chance, what is it?»  
And it's now that the look on Yamaguchi's face darkens, his gaze unexpected dominated by a sense of fatigue and the silence lasts long enough to give time to Hinata and the others to finish the friendly match, then surrounding Tobio as a poor lab rat.  
They just ask how he feels while Tadashi disappears and the, in Kageyama's mind comes back the thought of Oikawa, as well as the blue petals in his hands.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when I'll post the next chapter; it's longest than the first two put together and I didn't start to translate it yet.  
> Sorry if I'll take long! (but I hope not.)


	3. Aspettative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I was joking when I said "this could take long". Here's the new chapter, hope you like it as much as I do.

 It's unusual to see Oikawa outside the entrance of Tobio's house; the light from the hallway lights up his tired face but it doesn't disappears a courtesy smile that is characteristic for him.  
It's a mocking kindness, what he reserves to Kageyama when nobody can see them; they are alone at home, it's the first time they agree to meet there and even if he tries to not show it, Tobio is naively nervous.  
He tries to welcome the oldest as a good host, but a stoic expression stays on his face and Tōru – perhaps to avoid the embarrassment that hovers between them – tries to joke, leaving in his hands a bag with various things he asked for.  
«I don't know how you like it, I took the the available flavours.»  
Tobio recognizes the milk which he can never give up to, strawberry and vanilla are some of the flavours that Oikawa chose randomly and Kageyama can't complain, even though he realizes they weren't purchased at the convenience store that he is usually visit.  
He opens fast a box, then a straw is already hidden in his mouth and the curious eyes of Tōru rest exactly on his face, with a mischievous smile as soon as his kōhai gets his lips wet with the sweet taste of fruit.  
«What's going on?»  
The first sip doesn't quench his thirst, he resumes to drink while waiting for a reply, but Oikawa doesn't speak, limiting to a nod with his head to ask if he can sit under the warm blanket of the kotatsu.  
  
Yes, it's unusual to see him in his living room – it's what Kageyama thinks, watching Oikawa moves with excessive politeness; his gaze wanders in the room and Tobio finds in his irides a particular brightness, looking as a wild animal in a new and unknown habitat.  
Tōru doesn't seem lost, but a sense of disquietude is veiled on his face, an expression that Tobio partly understands - it was the same emotion he felt the first time at Oikawa's home - but it doesn't suits Tōru; Kageyama knows every expression of the latter, but discomfort has never been one of the list.  
«Why here today?»  
The question breaks through the silence, not leading, however, to the serenity that seems to be miss since Oikawa arrived; it's, in fact, an uncomfortable question that requires a thoughtful response, a little lie to cover up those insecurities that Tobio doesn't want to externalize yet.  
Maybe it will never happen, because he doesn't like to expose himself too much in front of others, even more if it comes to his former senpai.  
Their relationship is already rather fragile as it is, adding useless sentimentality would only make the situation more embarrassing.  
«Simple, I didn't want to go out.»  
Tobio promises to himself to not lower his gaze, he shouldn't stop the eye contact and Tōru just follows, watching him with those eyes that seem to see more than permitted.  
It's a sneer, the first thing Tobio receives as a reply, which gradually turns into a smile and that hushes him immediately.  
Kageyama doesn't know how Oikawa can be so jovial yet maintain a menacing appearance - a technique that has always made him frustrated.  
«You always want to leave, it seems a strange excuse, Tobio-chan.»  
He can't said that the latter is wrong; the four walls of his bedroom sometimes are depressing, they limit and suffocate him, eager as he is to have more free space for himself; he's accustomed to the Karasuno's gym, to the races against Hinata in the hallways to get to their class, and his house, however familiar, doesn't help at all.  
«You don't feel comfortable here, Oikawa-san?»  
He counter-attacks, and it's sufficient to make disappear that friendly smile from Oikawa's face, returning to being a guest in part intimidated and grateful for the hospitality.  
They don't speak much, usually, when they meet, but Tōru begins to get used to the heat of the soft blanket and with a pillow, probably, he could take a quick nap.  
It's an unexpected feeling that convinces him to be a little less hostile toward the youngest, even though his illogical curiosity keeps to pinch him, hoping to receive answers that only arrive slowly.  
«No, you have a cosy home, maybe too much for me; some bread milk would be perfect and I'd really fall asleep like this.»  
Tobio wouldn't mind so much: renouncing to an afternoon session of sex wouldn't be a great sacrifice for him; he never even cared much about that sort of thing, it was a succession of accidents to bring them to the current situation, even if it's exactly the physical contact, the only element that allows them to avoid a fight every minute.  
  
To Oikawa's words, however, Tobio still doesn't know how to reply; he remains in the centre of the room, standing like a fool, the only voice that echoes is the wet sound of the milk box - he's at his last sips - and he must admit, he starts to fight his nervousness biting in a childish way the now flat straw.  
He feels Oikawa's gaze on himself, he knows that he's still watching him, and the faint snort that escapes freed from his lips makes him believe that, between the two, Tōru doesn't feel any more embarrassment.  
«Hey, come here.»  
Oikawa raises enough the blanket to invite Tobio to settle down next to him, his polite guest version has disappeared, now returned to the classical senpai one, and the proposal doesn't sound exactly like a friendly sharing; there's something indecent, not in his words per se, but implied, which would be clear to anyone with a bit of malice.  
Tobio doesn't perceive anything, not the desire that awakes Tōru from his torpor nor the hidden sensuality while he wets his lips with the tip of the tongue.  
Tobio understands only when they're next to each other, the warmth that Oikawa emanates is so enjoyable to make Kageyama wonder why the kotatsu should remain on; their bodies are enough against the autumnal cold, and the warm breath of the oldest tickles Tobio's skin, forcing him to hide the tender red on his cheeks.  
Then he holds his breath, when the space between them narrows, and Tōru's hands are now close enough to sneak under his kōhai's clothes.  
  
His cold fingertips wander on Tobio's skin without hesitation, they know well the body they're touching, they know Kageyama's weaknesses and a few caresses are enough to see him blush more than before; to his embarrassment, Oikawa laughs - finding the shyness that Tobio persists to give him amusing, a show that satisfies his pride above all, and then also in a sexual way.  
But Kageyama gets his satisfaction too, the attention of that senpai that for too long has ignored him, _hated him_ \- even - and giving control to Oikawa is something Tobio can accept for once.  
He accepts it all while thinking that the hands now on his chest are the same of the great Aobajosai's setter, and today, Tōru pays attention to all his silent desires, first playfully on his sensitive nipples and then going down, struggling with that shirt which gets in his way.  
Tobio feels exposed, when Oikawa finally frees him from his shirt; it's an unexpected attack, but equally enjoyable: the pleasure starts from his lower abdomen, his senses are awakened and a small part of him he's ashamed of it because Tōru doesn't hold back from making some sarcastic jokes, pointing out that, over Tobio's scornful king figure, is hiding only a grouchy kid less arrogant once out of a volleyball court.  
The rivalry between them doesn't disappear even if the context is different, but Oikawa - _only_ on occasions like this – grants some teachings, while Tobio listens, learning techniques that are very different from those of his beloved volleyball.  
However, there are parallels between the two worlds that intrigue them both and that have become a constant during their _sessions_.  
Oikawa is a conscientious player as much as an observant lover, he doesn't dedicate the same passion while doing sex with Tobio - apparently there aren't feelings for do it in that way - but still, he follows some steps with interest, perhaps driven by a singular superstition.  
So he goes again, tracing invisible lines with his lips on Tobio's pale skin; a little attention around his navel and a slight bite to tickle him, leading Kageyama to hide as a shy crow in his nest.  
In return, Tōru throws a reproachful glance, a fake pout which Kageyama recognizes as a lie, but he decides to play his game because, _only_ when they have sex, he has a soft spot for the more childish side of his senpai.  
«Don't leave marks.»  
Tobio mutters not particularly convinced; a part of him always hopes to awaken with the traces of Oikawa's passage on his own body, it's a way to make sure this is _all real_ \- not his imagination.  
Getting up with the mild form of his teeth on his own skin reminds Kageyama that Tōru really desires him, that he still wants him, and this is perhaps more pleasant than the whole intercourse; a nonsense for many, but a indelibly truth for Tobio, an attack to the uncertainties he always has.  
«I should say it! My teammates were suspicious the last time.»  
The possibility of getting caught makes Kageyama blush, he wouldn't take the blame for such an error, but at the same time he knows that Oikawa has a lie ready for every occasion; a hickey is nothing, if he says that it's a gift by a beautiful girl, and Tobio - sometimes - takes advantage of their cover to leave one, single hickey always in a different spot, the neck or a little lower.  
Tōru does the same now, ignoring his previous order, and Kageyama, while sighing, recognizes Oikawa's good shampoo, the one he usually uses after training.  
It's elderflower and lemon mixed together, a summer scent – even if today the clouds threaten them to bring an autumnal rain; it's a fragment that brings to Tobio's mind those faraway places in tourist's postcards - Italy or Greece, it doesn't matter; it's nice because it immediately reminds him Tōru's expressions and their occasional moments of kindness.  
In a spontaneous gesture he put his hands in Tōru's hair, he sees his own fingers disappear between those brown locks and as always he thinks that he prefers Oikawa like this, more messy, without that artificial hairstyle of his every day life.  
Oikawa lets him do it, the heat Tobio's emanating almost makes him doze off and it wouldn't hurt, _for once_ , to fall asleep leaning like this, on his belly.  
  
But he has no time to think; Tobio's adolescent hormones pace up and down impatiently and it'd be foolish, as well as evil, to ignore the erection that Oikawa begins to glimpse through Kageyama's pants.  
He's already wearing a pyjamas, Tōru notices only now, and if it wasn't for the fatigue - and even a small desire of suspense- he would have already removed it with rush, leaving him alone with his wet boxers.  
Tobio senses the moment of expectation, and while reading the hesitancy, decides to make the first move, daring to grasp with little delicacy the jeans Tōru's wearing.  
«How bold, Tobio-chan.»  
Oikawa whispers with the rigorous grip of his kōhai on his pants; it seems almost a torture, leaving like this his own crotch in the little crow's claws, but the trousers are starting to be too tight for Oikawa and probably even the aliens drawn on his boxers begin to ask for freedom.  
«Shut up, Oikawa-san.»  
Tobio's composure intimidates him and gets him on at the same time; he wants to look threatening, letting Oikawa knows that he wants a change of roles, but from Tōru's lips a sarcastic laugh escapes, along with lust that covers his eyes.  
  
And it looks exactly like a volleyball game; the match begins, the net dividing them is the warm blanket and Tobio disappears right there below, using all his strength to win against the only, annoying button that hinders him from the beginning of the set.  
In the living room echoes for a moment the sound of the zip now opened, it's a noise that rips through the last formalities between them and Oikawa fears that all this could become a habit, the sex after training, because it turns out to be a good way to relax.  
Kageyama doesn't excel, but his dedication hides any small, potential error; his teeth tickle the sensitive skin and Tōru mumbles an indecent _“fuck”_ , before enjoying Tobio's serve.  
It's burning, the first touch between Tobio's lips and the no-longer-neglected gonads of the oldest; Kageyama is putting a lot of effort into it – always within the limits of his lack of experience – and Oikawa wonders if there is something Kageyama isn't a natural talent at.  
He learns faster than Tōru could ever imagine and the prove is in his slow moves, as if he finds anything particularly rewarding in leaving his senpai as a prey of his most vulgar instincts.  
So, he feels a hand squeezing his raven black hair, and he considers it a gesture which limits his freedom, but he lets Oikawa guide him patiently.  
It's just a small gift, Tobio's understand that the training was more tiring than usually, and granting some of Oikawa's desires makes him happy to, in some strange way.  
The uncontrolled erection now pushes against his palate, Oikawa murmurs something that should be a _"be careful"_ and Tobio looks up at him, accepting his sex slowly between his moistened lips.  
It's a succession of murmurs - the answer Kageyama receives at every impulsive and rash movement with his tongue; Tōru insists in observing a random point of the room, but a couple of blue irides stay on his face, scrutinizing and not missing the slightest change.  
Those reactions are something that Tobio recognizes as intrinsic parts of Oikawa's attitude: embarrassment when he bit the inside of his cheek and a short, inaudible puff, to anticipate new words.  
_«Damn Tobio.»_  
A grimace appears on Tōru's pretty face, he grits his teeth and now, no more absently, his eyes go on Kageyama's face; his red and plump cheeks make him look smaller than he really is and in a fleeting moment memories of bygone days resurface, days in which Oikawa never imagined a future like this.  
He never find vulgarity or blind obedience in Kageyama's eyes; Tobio, in fact, varies between modest embarrassment and inert indifference – a feature that Oikawa hates about him when they're on the court, but that secretly loves outside.  
It's insane what they are doing, if both think on their actions more than necessary; Tobio is the most impulsive of the two, but there is always some – at times annoying – sense of responsibility which suggests him that is exactly crazy to being between the legs of his rival and former senpai.  
Maybe he should feel dirty, tainted by an indelible sin, but the expressions of pleasure of Oikawa blur his morality, chasing away that little internal voice that tries to save him from the current situation.  
He doesn't feel dirty because he doesn't admire sex only as a pure physical act, but paradoxically _it's the sharing_ – and a strange pride – to give him pleasure.  
  
His match point arrives soon after, natural and so much desired; Tōru squints, his eyelids tremble slightly and the intense orgasm empties all of his remaining energy.  
His last sigh is so liberating to make him forget about everything else for a couple of minutes.  
No intensive training or young girls to follow him every where; his school's concern disappear, no mother's pressure for the university nor the repeated Iwa-chan's reprimands.  
For some seconds it remains only his erratic breathing, the white ceiling over their heads and a silence that seems to favour a quick and much required rest.  
Tobio gets settled at his side and strangely sees his presence pleasant, as well as the warmth of their bodies close together that, for the first time, dismisses the embarrassment that usually comes after they make sex.  
It's no longer a pregnant silence to hover in the room, it's just tranquillity, a feeling of comfort – even – as if both are now used to the company of the other.  
They're lying on the tatami and Kageyama senses Tōru's gaze on himself; his eyes are intimidating him, _he doesn't know if he should talk, he doesn't know what to say_ , but Oikawa never stops to observe and his sudden attention makes Tobio feel vulnerable.  
A tickle in the throat hit him unexpectedly and he tries to refrain from coughing – not now, not in front of _him_ – by relying on all his bad self-control.  
  
«Tobio-chan.»  
Oikawa moans the first time, leaning on his side; his breath – now regular again – is like a hot gust against Tobio's cheeks, but not enough to get him to watch the latter in the eyes.  
Kageyama would like to stay like this for long; one second would be enough, _one minute more_ ; he know that meeting Oikawa's eyes would mean to find the void that he used to find there and now, perhaps in a cowardly way, he doesn't think he could deal with it.  
A part of him still believes he can return in the past, years ago, in the days of their first conversations, of the formalities – before their relationship became broken.  
And now they're like this: a nothing in search of a distraction of some half an hour, a shameful secret and a succession of bad choices that seem to affect only Kageyama's life.  
«Tobio-chan.»  
He whispers again, his fingers touching his face and Tobio recognizes a hesitation that doesn't suit him; he's a selfish person, Tōru, he gets what he wants insistently, but now it must be the good part of him to surface.  
It's an almost imperceptible caress, a meaningless gesture, if it weren't for the situation between the two; and finally, Kageyama looks him, finding a vein of surprise in his irides.  
Unexpected, the doubt painted on Oikawa's face and, though it surprises the same Tobio, a part of him can only fear it, not knowing how to anticipate the next move by his senpai.  
Tōru is also like this, _unpredictable_ , or maybe he is for Kageyama that hasn't learned all about him yet.  
  
_The unbelievable arrives as a kiss._  
The tips of their noses are the first to meet, then Tōru's thumb sinks lightly on Tobio's cheek and it's a mad idea, Kageyama knows it – even if he doesn't move away – and even Oikawa knows and, in a short moment of irrationality, he doesn't seek explanations for that touch he now wishes.  
They had sex in different ways, in inappropriate times and in days without the right mood; they lied to each other, to themselves, but this is the first time they cross the _Line._  
A line that is silently imposed by both, an unbreakable rule for their Pact – _all without feelings_ \- and yet Oikawa's mouth is exactly as Kageyama has always imagined and he couldn't give up an opportunity like this.  
The taste is nothing memorable; vanilla – perhaps – mixed with Oikawa's come still on his wet lips.  
It's an unexpected kiss, distort and twisted; it's a gesture that eliminate the few remaining thoughts in Tobio's mind and Tōru too, abandoned his rationality, seems to focus only on the youngest's face.  
It's impetuosity, the way their tongues collide against each other; it seems a challenge, although it's a duel that Tōru wins by experience.  
Kageyama feels an impulse along his own body, Oikawa's hands are on the strap of his boxers and Tobio would like to continue – _yes he really want it_ – as they always have; something, however, stops him, a feeling of anxiety that disappears only when their lips are moving away, he sighs against the latter's face and he reads in Tōru's eyes a playful disappointment that he will soon forget.  
  
«Oikawa-san, you should go.»  
The magic of the moment vanishes, that's where the confusion darkens Tōru's gaze, but he doesn't restrain the smallest who, driven by a good survival instinct, escapes from the living room, leaving Oikawa abandoned there, under the now-too-hot kotatsu.

 

  
  
_The third time Kageyama coughs is in his bathroom – it's bile, the thing he vomits in the sink, an action that returns like an annoying déjà-vu; the petals flows copious on the white ceramic and, looking at his confused reflection in the mirror, Tobio wonders if it's already too late to save himself._


	4. Rivelazioni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sex and sleep alone make me conscious that I am mortal" - Alexander the Great

Oikawa rubs his eyes and sighs; he hates the study sessions with Iwaizumi because, as much as he loves him, he sometimes believes he's a friend too much severe.  
A break with him is like an oasis in a desert, satisfating – if you eventually find it - but later it turns out to be another way to put Oikawa under more pressure.  
He complains, but deep down he knows he's lucky to have Hajime as a friend – he's like a prodigious engineer that wouldn't make derail a train even on bad tracks – and in the metaphor, as a matter of fact, Tōru is the crazy train.  
Oikawa is never erratic, not with volleyball nor with school; he would never want to be like that and it's a favor he does to himself, not to others, yet, in the last few days the pages of his books are heavier than usual and his notes appear only as a confusing pattern of formulas and dates to not remember.  
«Prepare some snack, I fix my notes and I'll join you.»  
It's the order Oikawa was praying to hear from at least half an hour; the words are enough to make him jump from his chair and it only takes a few moments to reach the kitchen, so fast, probably favoured by his urgent need for milk bread.  
  
Leaving the four walls of his room has an immediate effect; he feels lighter, when he abandons his books behind, and the main concern that occupies his mind is the fridge – now just a few steps from him.  
It turns out that it's emptier than usual – _he forgot to do shopping as he had promised to his mother_ – and her reproaches already echo in the house as soon as she'll return home, however, Oikawa will forget her words easily.  
Iwaizumi's footsteps resound in the room shortly after, a puzzled expression is on his face and Oikawa knows that he should be prepared for another of his odd conversations; it's always like an interrogation when they're together, and the taste of bread and honey in Tōru's mouth doesn't help to make the situation better.  
Sometimes he can anticipate his words: he understands them by the way Iwaizumi's eyebrows are bent, the intensity of his gaze or if, stopping in the middle of the kitchen, he crosses his arms in a more or less severe way; however, this time there are no clues to understand his potential invective.  
Hajime appears taciturn in the kitchen, _too taciturn_ , and it's doubt – what Oikawa finds in his eyes, a silent communication to say _"it's useless, I know what you did."_  
The fact is that Tōru could be considered the King of bullshits; they are a daily routine in his life and discovering what Hajime is thinking is trickier than it sounds; his friend is careful, while noting the difference in Oikawa's attitude.  
Iwaizumi Hajime is perhaps the only one that can recognize the truth behind Tōru's appearances, his lies have no effect and sincerity is the real weapon with which he can defeat the most reluctant part of Oikawa, though the latter is too stubborn to give up easily.

  
«What do you prefer? I have maccha pretz, kit kat and umaibō, I think, _somewhere_.»  
Most of the snacks crammed in the kitchen cupboards are Takeru's – his nephew - or at least, they _were_ his, before he left them there.  
Tōru is still used to keep them for when there are guests, although rarely there are new faces in Oikawa's home: frequently Hajime, sometimes their school and teammates, various relatives and... _Kageyama._  
«Anything goes, I'm not really hungry.»  
Iwaizumi grabs one of the snacks that fell shortly before and Tōru flinches like a fool, lost as he was in his thoughts as soon as he realizes that his friend is now near to him; he coughs to banish from his mind the last memory he has of Tobio, but it turns out to be a small gesture that doesn't go unnoticed.  
Hajime's eyes reflect the scared expression of Oikawa and the latter, in reply, merely mentions an uncertain smile, as if he doesn't know what to say.  
The silence that follows doesn't help, Oikawa knows he has to fill it with a word, _any word_ , but it's Hajime, the fastest between them, which forces him to keep his mouth shut.  
«I was wondering ...»  
He speaks without particular emphasis, dead calm on his face, and the only sound in the room is the crumpled plastic, followed by a bite of the chocolate bar.  
«How's Kageyama?»  
The question comes suddenly, it's out of place – for Oikawa – because officially nobody sees Kageyama Tobio outside the sporting world; he's Karasuno's setter, yes, even their old kōhai, but he's still a parenthesis of a past that Tōru happily avoids.  
For Hajime, and Aobajosai all, he's only a player, with his strengths and attitude, but there is no reason why Tōru – _in particular_ – should know how he is at the moment.  
Tōru still coughs before speaking; he's afraid of getting sick, which is unusual for him, and a fever now would be a little, big problem for his busy life.  
« _Bad, good?_ I don't know, you should ask to Chibi-chan as soon as you see him.»  
He congratulates to himself, he lied in the right way because Hajime doesn't seem suspicious, he doesn't react to his words strangely and it must be a good sign; take the win, Oikawa Tōru!  
«Ok, are you sure you don't know anything?»  
«Iwa-chan, you sound like my mother.»  
He was wrong, yes, he has to admit it; Oikawa was wrong because Iwaizumi's thinking about _something_ , Tōru has yet to figure out if it's only a paranoid or a real issue, but Hajime's suspects never stay unresolved, unfortunately.  
«You say it when you know I'm right.»  
_Touché_ , but hope is the last to die; Oikawa believes he still has a slight chance, he just need to play along and trying to follow the direction of the conversation, Hajime's words must aim at something, after all.  
«He came over, right? I saw a copybook in your room.»  
Tōru rolls his eyes and curses silently Tobio; he knew he was stupid, but he didn't believe so much; at the beginning they met for one simple reason, but the situation has degenerated since those first times when both began to forget various things in their respective homes.  
_It's Kageyama's fault, as always._  
«Yes, silly me!»  
He shows his best techniques like a B-movie star – if he wasn't a volleyball addict, he definitely would join the drama club – and, putting a hand over his face, he tries to hold an expression between irrational despair and hysterical anger.  
«The idiot didn't know who to ask for some school help.»  
It's a bad excuse, poor and low-level; Hajime isn't stupid enough to believe this, Oikawa realizes it soon when he ends the sentence, but it's too late to retract and showing a single sign of weakness or confusion would worsen the situation.  
«Yes, _obviously_. What did he need?»  
«Math's exercises, I meant, no,English.»  
Oikawa mentions a smile uncertainly and it's definitive: his cover falls exactly now, Hajime says nothing special, on the contrary, he stay completely silent; it's the silence of _"I knew it"_ , the one that does look like those anime's moments where the detectives solve a case and, sadly, Oikawa is the guilty party.  
«And before you say something, you've never taught anything to Kageyama in your entire life, but that's not what made me realize that you were lying.»  
Oikawa would like to say to his dear Iwa-chan that it isn't true what he's just said, there are several _things_ that he taught to Tobio, not about school nor volleyball, but revealing them would be stupid and the only sound that he manages to explain is another cough.  
«I've never seen you drink a milk box with a straw and I come to your home often enough to know it's almost impossible to find it here.»  
Hajime's finger points behind him and Oikawa turns towards the kitchen, noting the boxes he had bought for Tobio a week earlier; they remained untouched all the time, the initial idea was to show up at his house to apologize after their _awful and last rendez-vous._  
«Shit.»  
«Yeah, you're in deep shit, or maybe not, but knowing you, yes, you're in deep shit.»  
Tōru raises his hands in a gesture of surrender, the taste of honey on his lips is already disappeared and what remains is a taste that reminds a defeat: bitter and annoying.  
  
 

* * *

   
They came back in Oikawa's room, Tōru collapses on his bed and looks at the ceiling, ignoring Iwaizumi's eyes.  
Hajime is there, he's always been by his side even when he was wrong, but his silence now makes him feel a strange sense of fear that has never felt before; perhaps he fears his judgment – always a wise one, of course -, but he fears it because he has so much to tell and he doesn't know even what the priorities are.  
_Fighting with Tobio for a reason he doesn't know? Or he should start from the beginning of the story, in detail?_  
Oikawa should say that it's all a mistake, but it would mean to lie even to himself; something with Kageyama is changed, he didn't quite understand how and when, but they're not the same they were a few years ago – in many different ways.  
«Ok, what do you want to know first?»  
Oikawa asks for a reference point; Hajime's curiosity is legitimate, they know each other so well that they can consider each other brothers and a part of Tōru, a small one -or maybe not, regrets that he hid an aspect of his life that he underestimated for months.  
He wonders if Kageyama's always said the truth, if he kept completely their secret; Tōru always took it for granted, not for trust but because - from what he understood – a silence was a _dvantageous for both._  
«Why, is there something else I need to know?»  
Oikawa looks at his friend to make sure he's not joking, but the confused expression on his face makes him understand that he didn't suspect anything important; maybe just a one time meeting – Hajime probably thought - but at this point, Tōru has exposed himself enough to confess all the story.  
«Tobio-chan and I meet often, at least, it was like this before; now it's been a week since the last time we met.»  
He's lying on his bed and for a moment he observes the different pictures in the room, as a good way to get away from the embarrassment that begins to hover between them; his throat burns – yes, he must be sick - but it feels so suddenly that it's hard to understand how much serious is his flu.  
«A week is a short period of time, considering the fact that you would like to kill each other as soon as you meet.»  
«Yes, _killing each other_.»  
He whispers it while smiling; it's pure sarcasm, and if Tobio was here, probably he would be laughing with him, although Oikawa doesn't think to ever seen him really laughing.  
The truth is he doesn't know how they go that far; one day, by chance, he maybe met him and it was all a joke, at first, although the last time – for Tobio – nothing seemed like a game.  
«Shittykawa, I wouldn't get mad at you if you told me you made peace; allow me, however, to tell you that I think it's impossible.»  
It was the same thought of Oikawa, and this is what he considers funny of the whole affair; a part of him still hates Kageyama, not the person, _but the player_ – he hates him for his naturalness while playing, the ease with which he manages to get things done, even if he's so stupid.  
Tōru continues to see him only like that, no more than an idiot, but in his heart he knows that Tobio will surpass him and it's a process that he can only slow down, but not stop.  
«So you want to tell me what's going on?»  
Their eyes meet and Tōru smiles, again, because Iwaizumi made a funny face; he's working to find out what's happened, maybe he's worried too, and Oikawa can consider himself really lucky in these cases to have a friend like him.  
  
«Kageyama and I had sex.»  
He confesses with no drama or concern; it's a factual reality that he admits to another person for the first time; their Pact – or whatever it is – is no longer a secret and Hajime looks at him, oh, _and how he's looking at him_ , and Oikawa always expected a reaction like this.  
Iwaizumi is amazed, obviously, but the sense of surprise is shortly after replaced by an expression that seems anger, no, _fury_ , and Tōru understands what is his conclusion: he surely believes that he made fun of Tobio all this time and, after everything that happened between them in the past, it's normal to think so.  
Iwaizumi's disappointment hurts him, but he can't complain, he knows he deserves it.  
«I'm trying to not judge you Tōru, but you must give me a good reason to explain the bullshit you've done.»  
«In my favour I can say it's not a bullshit if I did it more than one time.»  
His answer is fast and so Hajime's, who, taking the first thing he finds on the desk, throws it against his friend; luckily it's just a stuffed animal, one of the many aliens Tōru has in the room, but the gesture is enough to understand what Iwaizumi's feeling right now.  
«No Tobios were harmed during all this, calm down.»  
Hajime pretends to laugh, it's clear that he isn't happy with the out of place sarcasm of Tōru, but the latter believes he managed to calm him down, a good way to start the conversation without prejudice.  
«You're surprised, I sleep and I have sex, I'm mortal too, no?»  
«Oikawa ...»  
They try to look serious again; the matter is still open, it is for Iwaizumi and also for Tobio too; at this point Oikawa is in a bad situation, but he's enough shameless to ask help to his friend who, being the best, will necessarily give him a hand.  
«Everything was fine until last week, then Tobio-chan got angry, but not as he usually does when he tries to show that he's better than me, no, he seemed surprised.»  
Hajime is thinking seriously, Tōru understands it because long moments pass before hearing him speak again; his recommendations are often useful in a situation like this, he cannot speak from experience, but he can be more objective than Tōru and his opinion can really help him.  
Oikawa still must understand why he's so protective of Tobio, but it's a question that he will ask Hajime in the future, _maybe._  
«So, you're friends with benefits.»  
«Without the _“friends"_ part.»  
Iwaizumi rolls his eyes and bites his lip, apparently to hold on some insults; Oikawa was ready to receive them, he's used to them, but the latter becomes quiet again and his eyes light up as if the solution is already in front of him.  
«That last time, what did you do?»  
Oikawa observes him with doubtful eyes, but attempts to revive the memory of their last meeting: Kageyama texted him in the afternoon, he saw the message on LINE randomly, in one of the few breaks during training.  
Everything seemed as usual; yes, a part of Oikawa was weirded out by the proposal to meet at Tobio's house, but he didn't complain because her mother had begun to suspect their relationship and any excuse is good to avoid an awkward conversation with her.  
The rest is already history: he shown up at his door after school and nothing happened that Tōru considers strange or wrong.  
«I think you don't really want to know, _no offence_.»  
«Idiot, I'm trying to help you.»  
The appearance of “serious guy” falls, Hajime blushes and Tōru holds his laugh – he doesn't know how – because Iwaizumi probably got strange ideas about those two, ideas that Oikawa doesn't want to know.  
His sexuality isn't a secret, but it's not the same for some of his experiences, Hajime surely is more embarrassed by the idea that the object of Oikawa's attention is Tobio, a well known person for both.  
«Anyway,» Oikawa begins to speak again, remembering only now a detail that shouldn't go unnoticed; «it happened a _little_ thing, but I don't think it's relevant.»  
He tries to show his most innocent expression in his repertoire, but it doesn't seem to work because Hajime, as usual, is already judging him and his eyes explain what he say a few seconds later.  
«There is nothing irrelevant when it comes to what're doing around.»  
He would like to deny, but he hasn't arguments to defend himself; it was a gesture of the moment, not so much thoughtful, but he doesn't particularly regret it because he'd do it again, if he had the chance, and there isn't a meaning behind it nor something that might have annoyed Kageyama, _he thinks._  
He isn't so sure right now, but although he's aware of the past admiration of Tobio for him, the relationship between them in the present is one between two equal persons; they both chose, a bad choice - perhaps - but it's a situation that Kageyama decided with him.  
_It's all Tobio's fault, as always, in fact._  
«I think I kissed him.»  
Another stuffed animal hit his face – it's one of those good Hajime's throws, but Oikawa thinks is unfair to be a victim of his sports skills when out of the court; so Iwaizumi tries to tell him that it was a stupid thing to do, otherwise his reaction would have been different, but Tōru is sure that he's not wrong, he _never_ is.  
«What do you mean with _"I think"_? Wait, how long this has going on? And that second year girl?»  
Tōru snorts, hiding his face in one of the pillows on his bed; he'd like to shout as when he was a kid, but he knows that being an adult means accepting responsibilities, no matter how much annoying they are.  
Hajime is a good example to follow, at times a bit boring, but he manages to avoid disastrous situations where Oikawa, instead, finds himself often; it's a choice, the majority of the time, but someone always manages to ruin his plans, perfect until he tries to realize them.  
«First, Iwa-chan, she left me months ago, thanks the attention; second, it's going on for, I don't know, _enough time_.»  
They both wrinkle their forehead, it's a reply that doesn't satisfy either of them and they arrive to a temporary blind spot; Oikawa wants to end all the story now, he understood that Iwaizumi can do nothing to solve the mystery and, of course, he hasn't to.  
It's a matter that Tōru should fix with Tobio – he doesn't know how or when, but they should talk, a task that Tōru has avoided for months because, evidently, with Kageyama is easier to remain silent; the words are useless, after all, in front of their stubbornness.  
  
«Ok, you did that strange thing you usually do with your lips, you're in love with him.»  
«What? No, I'm not!»  
His throat burns again, but he holds back from coughing, shortly after he bit the inside of his cheek and Hajime's finger is already there, ready to show his expression with an annoying insistence.  
Tōru thinks the latter can't understand – even if they're friends since ages, Iwaizumi cannot understand, because he didn't attend even one of the meetings between him and Tobio.  
He doesn't know their silences, their embarrassment when everything ends; he cannot understand the sensation that Tōru feels when Kageyama is lying by his side – it's an uneasiness that he could forget once at all, if he wants to.  
Yet, it's not easy to stop, not for the sex – he would find easily someone else – but because a part of him doesn't desire an ending yet, as if there is some unfinished business to settle.  
«Again, it's the same face you do when you're playing volleyball.»  
Oikawa ignores his best friend's word, Hajime should be one of his supporter, but it seems that he takes Tobio's side rather than his.  
Oikawa knows he did something wrong – that's a start - but it doesn't mean that he will ask for forgiveness.  
The past is a closed case, at least in part; he can't control his own feelings for Kageyama, but he knows that the volleyball player Oikawa will continue to hate him for a long time, but he can tries to stop it, maybe.  
«So, what are you going to do?»  
«Puke.»  
Iwaizumi rolls his eyes again, whispering a _"so dramatic"_ to lighten the mood in the room; Oikawa would laugh, yes, joking after a long conversation, but the pain that hit him in the stomach is _real._  
It could be indigestion, but he ate nothing to feel so bad; they are sudden twinges, too anonymous to be a simple flu, but he hasn't more time to think and the only object that attracts his attention is the bin under his desk – a small source of salvation to stem the sense of anxiety that has started to get the better of him.

 

  
«Iwa-chan.»  
Fluffy white petals appear suddenly between crumpled papers and messy notes.  
«I think I'm sick.»  
  
  
  
  
 


	5. Sensi di colpa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa Tōru cannot forget Kageyama Tobio, he wishes it with all his strength, but he just can't, because in the darkness of his room Tobio is everywhere.  
> There's still his copybook on the desk, his number between his phone contacts and the boxes of milk in the kitchen; the memory of him lives within the trophy of Best Setter he has on his shelf, in the picture with the melancholic uniforms of the Kitagawa Daiichi and between the sheets of his unmade bed.

 

There is a disease named Hanahaki.

The more romantic persons call it _the malaise of the lover_ , while for the rational people is a simple urban myth, a lie you can only find in books or in shōjo manga.  
Medicine tries to explain it in vain, some methods have proven to be working, but it was more about luck, rather than a in-depth study; the symptoms are still incomprehensible to many and artists are the only one who, paradoxically, find all this a creative thing to work on.  
Oikawa discovers this information looking randomly on the internet and the pictures he finds aren't particularly reassuring.  
There are flowers of all kinds: _camellias, roses or sakura_ – the most popular in Japan; some girls took a selfie of their misfortune and, if it weren't for the blood on their lips, Tōru might even consider them aesthetically cute.  
His research continues, he types on forums and then reads the experiences of other people like him: the most serious cases led to death, typically to those who didn't understand their feelings well, but others have lived with the disease for all their life, despite losing many important aspects of it.  
Some athletes confess to giving up their passion, the flowers were an impediment too heavy for their sport activities and the only option they had was to leave everything; however, not only the negative examples draw Oikawa's attention.  
A boy from Tōkyō wrote he confessed his feeling as soon as he found out the disease, the person with whom he felt in love understood the situation and now they have been engaged for a few years; with these words Tōru can only wrinkle his nose, knowing how different his story is.  
He couldn't ever give up on volleyball for a reason that he considers so silly; sport is more important, it's his reason for being alive and, although he can try, he doesn't believe that speak about the disease with Kageyama is the best thing he can do.  
He won't even understand what problem Tōru must face, stupid as he is; it could be the perfect opportunity to claim revenge and Oikawa, in all this situation, couldn't do anything to stop the latter.  
  
The possibilities are many, but some are discarded by him as soon as he sees them written there, on the bright screen of his laptop.  
He's locked in his room for hours now, in the darkness and with the window closed; her mother knocked a few times and he pretended to sleep, shutting down his computer as her footsteps echoed in the room.  
He apologised to Iwaizumi with a text, an _"I'm not feeling well today"_ and an emoji that would cheer up his friend in his absence; the rest was flat calm, space and time to reflect on his future intentions.  
  
He's not used to solitude, being alone -even if by choice - is not something that makes him feel at ease; he hates the silence that surrounds him, the petals under his clothes and Tobio's face that, whenever he closes his eyelids, appears as a recurring image.  
Only in the tranquillity of his room he can remember details of his face that he never noticed before: the colour of his eyes - so cold that makes Oikawa shudder, the shape of his thin lips and the timbre of his voice – all reminding him how they are both changed since middle school.  
Tobio was just a kid, with a sense of curiosity to brighten his gaze and those small hands always with a ball to play with.  
Tobio was the kid who considered Oikawa as an example to follow; he was his shadow, the number-one-fan and the kid who Tōru left behind because too stubborn to admit his innate talent.  
Within months he became a burden, an annoying brat who always hovered around him.  
  
Oikawa thought he was really free from him; he saw it, the look of fear on _that_ day, when his own anger drove him to an act of extreme violence - one of those many occasions when Iwaizumi stopped him from doing one of his bullshits.  
And Tōru, yes, made a lot of bullshits: small, big, memorable or frivolous; memories that he keeps because they made him the person he's now, stubborn, but more responsible.  
Now they all return, represented by this humiliating disease that surrounds him of petals, delicate as the relationship that binds him to Tobio.  
_Myosotis_ \- is the name that he finds after several research; it's a word that reminds him exotic places that he probably never visited and he laughs, Oikawa bitterly laughs, when he learns that the flower is known as _"Forget me not"._  
Kageyama would make fun of him if only he knew, or maybe he's too honest to do so; they are different, it's Oikawa, the one in need of sarcasm to belittle Tobio, to feel more confident, but the result doesn't change.  
  
Oikawa Tōru cannot forget Kageyama Tobio, he wishes it with all his strength, but he just can't, because in the darkness of his room Tobio is everywhere.  
There's still his copybook on the desk, his number between his phone contacts and the boxes of milk in the kitchen; the memory of him lives within the trophy of Best Setter he has on his shelf, in the picture with the melancholic uniforms of the Kitagawa Daiichi and between the sheets of his unmade bed.  
  
The mattress squeaks, he grinds his teeth in a painful grimace, he twists and turns, he hides under his blanket, but here he is, Tobio, waiting him again.  
The great illusion makes Oikawa feel the latter close to him and he suddenly recognizes the salty taste of his sweat, the drops that run through his skin and his wet moans.  
Oikawa sees his naked body, the muscles that flex under his own hands and the black raven locks that stick to his sweaty forehead.  
Tobio calls him, whispering an almost imperceptible _"Oikawa-san"_ and Tōru hears his erratic breathing against his face; it's a light puff that colours Tōru's cheek with red, a reaction that embarrasses him because he knows Tobio is now nothing but a fantasy in his own mind.  
In the darkness of the room there is only his hesitant hand that, taken by irrational instincts, wander on his clothes, stopping demurely on his boxers.  
Oikawa hesitates for a moment, sensing a couple of invisible blue irides observing him and he wonders if this is the plan that Kageyama has had since the beginning - make him crazy, get inside his head and catch the last shred of rationality in him.  
As in volleyball, Tobio precedes him, it's one of his attacks – a perfect setter dump to catch Tōru off guard, a technique that shows his talent in all its glory and Oikawa just surrenders, cursing at himself silently.  
He thinks he's stronger than this, but a warm feeling invades his own body and the impulse is so intense that he just stiffs for one moment.  
«Damn, fuck you Tobio-chan.»  
It's a confused gasp, a lament which goes dispersed between the sheets that, in a moment of anger, Oikawa squeezes nervously between his teeth; his morality suggests to not being tempted, to delete from his mind the only things of Tobio he loves, but, although they are few things, they corrode his fortitude and his self-control.  
Oikawa still moves between the messy blankets, but his hand has already surpassed the last line of common sense and runs on his hot skin, clutching that erection he in vain tried to ignore.  
The first pre-cum wets his fingers and Oikawa imagines that there's Tobio's body there, to receive him; he hears the sound of his butt against his own skin, the subdued murmurings and Tobio's back arched for pleasure.  
Kageyama opens his mouth, wets his lips and sighs at the rhythm of Oikawa's thrusts; and Tōru gasps too, _only him_ , because the body of his kōhai has adapted so well after months and any sign of pain disappeared from his face – leaving space to that always naïve lust.  
He strokes his dick faster, while continuing to live the illusion: Tobio's muscles wrap him into a trap where he's easily imprisoned, and those same hands he knows for years now are touching him, caress his chest and tickle him, challenging his last signs of resistance.  
His eyesight trembles, the room is just a black hole where to hide and when he reaches orgasm, his body shakes uncontrollably and the sigh that escapes from his lips hides more than just fatigue.  
It's the realization of what he has just done, a fact which he struggles to understand and that turns away all the bad thoughts that he has always devoted to his junior.  
It's a paradox over his certainties, which breaks the appearance that for years he has ardently built.  
He feels dirty, then, because, while falling exhausted on the bed, his cum soak the petals around him and Tobio's illusion eventually disappears into the darkness - now full with his own shame.  
  
  
«Fuck.»  
 

 

 

* * *

  
«Fuck.»  
Oikawa murmurs rising once again from his chair, he leaves his cup full of cereals and runs to the bathroom, spitting out those white petals - that now accompany him for days - down the toilet.  
While coming back, he avoids his own reflection in the mirrors' house, he hasn't the courage to see his awful look, even though his family insists he is always cute - a foolish way to cheer him up.  
When he sits his nephew looks at him, on the other side of the table, with his cheeks full of cookies and warm milk; his eyes don't express anything special, nor disgust or surprise, rather, he seems to be already accustomed to the morning pains of his uncle and continues undaunted to eat his breakfast.  
«Obā-chan, Tōru-kun said a bad word.»  
He yells in-between bites, an amused smirk is painted on his face and soon Ms.Oikawa's voice arrives, a simple _"Tōru!"_ in the distance because she's too busy in front of the TV, watching one of those sappy films she loves so much.  
Oikawa rolls his eyes and whispers a “ _thank you”_ , throwing at the latter a not so much reassuring look; Takeru reply with his tongue out, and in these cases it's sure, they share the same blood.  
«Shouldn't you be at school? I still don't understand why you're here.»  
«It's Sunday.»  
Oikawa widens his eyes confused and then he turns around, looking at the calendar page that indicates the current day; he doesn't know how many hours he spent already in his room, but only now he realizes he hadn't set foot outside his house for long, too long.  
Homework doesn't worry him, Iwaizumi can cover him for weeks, but he now miss training and, despite not feeling completely well, has already decided that the next day he'll go to school.  
He has a life to live, he can imagine his phone filled with messages of his admirers - worried, of course - as well as his teammates.  
Volleyball is perhaps the only thing that can still distract him; his room has become a prison, rather than a refuge, and if it weren't for the laziness, he'd even throw all those odds and ends he has kept over the years.  
They are just useless memories, today he wants to move on once and for all and getting out of those four walls is an order imposing on himself; no more wasted minutes looking at the ceiling, no computer and other activities of questionable ethics.  
Oikawa was born as a social animal and he starts to feels the lack of contact with other persons - not members of his family.  
He wants to organize a few night-outs with his friends, meeting someone new and returning to his true nest – Aobajosai's gym.  
He certainly hasn't lost his physical form, he _can't_ have lost it after less than a week -only a week, right? - and the others may be accustomed to his absence already, even if he knows well, his charisma is irreplaceable.  
  
«Earth calling Tōru.»  
The gentle voice of his nephew brings him back to reality and between his hands there are no longer his cereals, now disappeared little by little into Takeru's mouth.  
It does not matter, he isn't really in the mood to eat, not after the repeated and not so funny trips to the bathroom.  
«Umh, how is doing with your friends at the club?»  
It's a courtesy question, he doesn't want to sound too rude, but a part of him is really interested in the career of Oikawa junior; he might be like him in the future - sportily speaking.  
For other reasons Oikawa doesn't seem himself as a perfect example; it's not about leadership nor patience, but to be honest, he has to admits that no, he's never been a good example for people younger than him and this reminds him a certain setter...  
«Yes, all good, when will you come back to practice? We get bored without you.»  
Oikawa thanks silently Takeru for interrupting the flow of his thoughts and mentions a smile, remembering the days spent together; he misses them too, the kids learn quickly and his boundless ego is satisfied, even though it's been months since he hasn't shown up at the club.  
He doesn't even remember what kept him busy so much lately, apart from studying, and go back to teaching can be a good way to pick up the pace, or rather, he hopes so.  
«But maybe you're too busy with some of your girlfriends.»  
«Hey, hey, why all the sarcasm this morning? I'm too asleep to answer you well, buddy.»  
Oikawa threatens him playfully with the spoon and the other reply playing his same game: an expression worthy of a _dorama_ brightens Takeru's face and Tōru finds another similarity - yes, he's so proud of his nephew.  
«Anyway you didn't answer, so it means that you really have a girlfriend.»  
Oikawa maybe is already repented of his previous thoughts; no, he isn't proud of him, especially when he earnestly wants to discover something new; Tōru doesn't know why today Takeru's so interested in this topic, but he will make him regret it.  
«Why do you want to talk about girls so much today? Is there someone you like, eh, Tacchan?»  
He stretches his arm to flick his cheek and Takeru blushes, trying to hide the embarrassment in vain.  
The first words that escape from his little mouth are confused, and Toru finds it paradoxically amusing, however he can only wonder if he was the same a few days earlier with Iwaizumi, during _that_ talk.  
«Maybe,» Takeru mutters a little shy, but then unexpectedly a serious expression comes back on his face and the look he dedicates to Tōru is funny, thinking how he looks mature now despite being a kid. «but for you is different, you're popular.» he ends, leaving his cup of milk now cold.  
  
And Oikawa has to think long and hard before answering, he doesn't want to offend nor underestimate his situation; he knows well that feeling, that period of human life when you don't know exactly who you are and what you want, but that's normal and Takeru – Tōru thinks - is smart enough to find his way.  
They both have a long time available: they can do mistakes, try and regret; they can still change their minds and become different people.  
Oikawa is popular, sure, but he knows there are some things he'll never earn, nor with a false smile nor with fame; he need much more than this, something that perhaps he hasn't found yet.  
  
«You can be the Emperor, but if the people around you are the wrong ones, Tacchan, popularity is useless.»  
His nephew wrinkles his noise, he doesn't seem convinced by his uncle's reply and shortly after he shakes his head as a sign of dissent, trying to ignore the words just pronounced by Tōru.  
From his part, Tōru doesn't try to make him change his mind; he, however, notices in his eyes a childlike curiosity that would prefer not to meet, but that takes place shortly after with a series of questions to which he wouldn't respond, if only he could.  
«But if you're popular you can have whoever you want.»  
«No, it doesn't work like that.»  
Oikawa replies bluntly, appearing more annoyed than he really is.  
He's used to a similar attitude, many aspects of his life are taken for granted by others just because he's Oikawa Tōru, but, for bad luck or maybe stubbornness, Tōru always ends up wanting things or persons he can't get.  
«Ok, so there's a girl you like, but she doesn't want you.»  
«You're talking too much like Iwa-chan and no, it's not true.»  
Takeru laughs, he can't stop, ignoring the Oikawa's complaints.  
He knows he's right because his uncle in front of the evidence denies, needlessly denies, and his attempts to justify himself make him even more hilarious.  
«Oh, about Iwaizumi-san;» the little kid dries his tears and jumps off his chair, walking around the kitchen until he reaches Oikawa's phone; «he sent you a message.»  
The owner steal it from his tiny hands, he doesn't scold him for having peeked through his private things and just unlocks the phone, holding his breath without even realizing it.  
He looks at all the notifications lazily, the majority are from his classmates, including the name of Hajime, but it's another, brief message on his display to attract his attention.  
 

  
Sun. 8:20 a.m.  
[ **From Tobio-chan:** can we meet?]


	6. Comprensione

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobio would want to wake up one day and forget it all: forget the sarcastic laugh Oikawa, his face while asleep and the feeling that pervades him when Oikawa's hands touch his skin.  
> He hates the fake intimacy born between them in the last months; paradoxically he might remember on which part of Oikawa's body there are moles, how he sleeps on his bed or what brand of hair gel he uses, but among them remains an insurmountable wall of indifference and lies.

 Tobio remains motionless and his gaze wanders from one part of the café to the other, avoiding to stop for too long on one point.  
The background chatter makes him almost fall asleep, he wishes he could go home and get in his warm bed, but it was Hinata's insistence to convince him to get out.  
He regrets it, in part, because as much as he hates staying alone at home - he hasn't been touching _that_ kotatsu for weeks -, seeing Tsukishima's hateful face makes him feel worse.  
The megane is scrutinizing him, it's one of his silent analysis that makes Tobio uncomfortable, but he says nothing, not a word, because he hasn't the strength to argue with Tsukishima right now.  
Then he moves his eyes away from the blond's figure, he sees Yamaguchi who, with a desperate expression, is trying to lower Hinata's voice tone.  
All four sitting at the same table, Hinata is at his side and sometimes he teases Tobio's cheek to be sure he's still among the living, though Tobio just replies with an inelegant grunt – so funny that even Yamaguchi laughs.  
  
After a long conversation, started with Hinata's idea of eating an ice cream in autumn, silence falls between them and Tobio realizes that it's time to talk about _it._  
The first one to move is, unexpectedly, Tsukishima: he's watching a couple of those photos that Hinata sent in the first-year group chat - _The fantastic four_ , the idiot called it- and then leaves the smartphone back on the table.  
The megane sighs once, but no one speaks.  
He sighs again, and Hinata can't sit still; he's nervous, he has been like this since they got in the coffee shop, but this time to keep him company there's also the more calm Yamaguchi who, albeit silently, never stops to watch Tobio like a lab rat.  
And Tobio hates their attention, it annoys him and gives him a sense of anxiety that he wouldn't like to feel; he cannot watch Tsukishima, certainly the most rational person in the group, because the bastard smiles unscrupulous, and Tobio would like to not punch his face in a public space.  
  
«I think they are myosotis' petals, I tried to search them last night on the net.»  
Tsukishima's flat voice interrupts the silence and he stretches his arm toward Tobio, showing him the phone display with two photos placed side by side: on the left a compact flower, one of those beautiful photographs with vivid and well photoshopped colours; on the right, the scattered petals that Kageyama captured a few days earlier.  
Tobio knows little or nothing about botany, he'd never really been interested in other subjects outside of those in his school, but the similarity is obvious – it seems that Tsukishima has spent time to find photos that were similar to each other, and Tobio doesn't know whether to be grateful of his search or not.  
«So Bakayama vomits this _myo-myoto-_ , flower! And what he need to do to cure himself? Because he won't die, right!?»  
Hinata screams dramatically, Tobio would like to say to not talk about him in the third person and, above all, not to talk about death because - although the situation is alarming - he still has many things to accomplish in his young life.  
  
The contrast to Hinata's hyperactivity is Kei's tranquillity; the megane appears too quiet, as if he doesn't care about Kageyama's fate at all.  
Still, with a wave of his hand, Tsukishima tries to silence Hinata and on his face disappears for a moment his usual sarcastic smile; he watches Tobio long enough to make him feel uncomfortable and then he speaks again.  
«You could have a surgery.» Tsukishima fixes his glasses and continues shortly after, ignoring Yamaguchi by his side who, scolds him silently for his excessive apathy; «it's a possibility, not my advice. We aren't friends and my personal opinion doesn't matter here, but I told you all this from an objective point of view, you may go to a clinic, do some check-ups and then try.»  
_An operation_ \- is a choice that doesn't scare so much Tobio; he's not sure what the results could be and what the side effects are, but he trusts Tsukishima's judgment, even if the latter is always cold with him.  
Friendship is something that doesn't matter for the issue; Tobio feels that he needs real solutions right now, not someone to console himself.  
He's always been used to manage his problems alone, if it weren't for Yamaguchi and Hinata, he probably would have remained silent, but hearing different opinions can help him, maybe.  
«But they say it's not a well known disease.»  
Tobio murmurs, trying to find confirmations in the blank look of the other; and Tsukishima just snorts, annoyed by his teammate's ignorance.  
«Yes, it isn't, but there have been cases where patients were cured, in a low percentage, but it's an option that you must consider. It doesn't seem that you have many choices.»  
After those harsh words, Hinata jumps on his chair, ignoring the curious glances of the others; his face is red, a harmonious shade with his hair colour, but it isn't embarrassment to have awaken his instincts.  
Hinata seems really angry, a scene that Tobio finds quite unusual; Hinata's still stupid, but it's hard to make him mad and perhaps Tsukishima is the only one that can do it.  
«It's not true, he has other choices, you should confess your feelings, Yamayama-kun; I'd rather see you skip practice for your significant other, rather than dead!»  
Hinata joins his hands and almost kneels down on the ground, because his concern is sincere and even Tobio knows that without him the Karasuno would no longer be the same team; he could never give up volleyball and, although often he fights with the others, Tobio would feel guilty leaving Hinata alone.  
He is fond of the guys on the team, even if he won't admit it; it's truly a team, for once, and leaving behind a tyrannical past makes Tobio feel good.  
Still, yes, there is an inconvenience; his feelings are dangerous for many different reasons and revealing them would mean to concede a victory to Oikawa, letting himself to be humiliated by his senpai as he prefers.  
And so the embarrassment pervades him, he even blushes and the show is so rare that it silences everyone at the table, including the little chatterbox at his side.  
«I just want to go back and play with you.»  
Tobio whispers, a melancholy murmur that express the annoyance he's felt in the last days; he misses the school gym, senpai's jokes and all the satisfied smiles after practice.  
He wants to play volleyball because it's his world, he dreams the Nationals and beyond; no feeling can overcome his love for this sport and it'd be a mistake to leave that he'd regret quickly.  
«Surgery.»«No, confess!»  
Tsukishima and Hinata's voices collide against each other, quarrelling animosely; it's an issue that begins to move away from the real protagonist, they're just looking to show that the other is wrong and, in all their cackle, it's Yamaguchi's calm to attract Tobio's attention.  
  
«Yamaguchi, what do you think about all this?»  
Tobio asks him and Tadashi stutters for a moment, convinced that he had been forgotten by his friends; a sense of surprise lights up his face, but he mentions a kind smile -a way to say _thank you_ to Tobio.  
«It's difficult to say.»  
He frowns his forehead and his expression silences the other two that, now curious about the serious tone of his voice, decide to postpone their personal squabble.  
The central problem remains Tobio; his intentions aren't clear yet, he's in a momentary state of confusion and it's not easy, considering all options, to take a decision.  
Tobio would want to wake up one day and forget it all: forget the sarcastic laugh Oikawa, his face while asleep and the feeling that pervades him when Oikawa's hands touch his skin.  
He hates the fake intimacy born between them in the last months; paradoxically he might remember on which part of Oikawa's body there are moles, how he sleeps on his bed or what brand of hair gel he uses, but among them remains an insurmountable wall of indifference and lies.  
  
«It's difficult because both options proposed are a risk: you may go to a clinic, but an operation is dangerous for your volleyball career and you don't even know if it will be useful; and confessing your feeling, well ...» Tadashi shrugs his shoulders, smiling with a lost expression on his face; «it depends on whether the person you like can give you a chance.»  
Tobio has always excluded the possibility of revealing his feelings to Oikawa; a part of him it's still ashamed of them because of all people who love volleyball, Tōru is the worst he's ever met.  
Oikawa's stubborn, insistent and childish; a lousy senpai and too proud to wonder how Tobio ever felt during all these years; they are two opposites, but in addition to all his flaws, Tobio always sees something that makes him compulsively attracted to the latter.  
So, Tobio feels like an idiot, realizing how much volleyball and Oikawa are actually two wires tied tight together: the first setter he has admired has always been Oikawa Tōru and probably his initial admiration has transformed itself in other emotions that Tobio has never been able to control.  
  
«There are at least a hundred reasons why avoiding a romantic relationship with the King, if we-»  
Hinata throws a packet of sugar against the blond and Tsukishima curses, but doesn't take back what he said; Tobio cannot blame him - no, he doesn't openly admits that he is right neither - especially considering the situation between him and Oikawa.  
«By the way, who is the lucky person?»  
Yamaguchi asks, silencing Tsukishima once and for all with a so elegant attitude that makes the others embarrassed because, in comparison,Yamaguchi is the only who can behave decently in a public place.  
«For me it's a Karasuno's student; I hope it's not me, no offence Bakayama, but we fight already as teammates, who knows if we were a couple.»  
Hinata speaks out of turn as always, a funny grimace on his face, but everything in a playful mood and Tobio isn't offended, knowing well the sarcasm of his friend.  
However, the potential reactions of Yamaguchi and Tsukishima could scare him; nobody, except Hinata, and _obviously_ Oikawa, knows about his sexual preferences, or at least, it was so until the Idiot yelled it in front of a coffee shop full of costumers.  
«The same goes for me, I didn't even know you liked guys.»  
«And there are no problems about it, right, Tsukki?»  
Yamaguchi adds, pinching Tsukishima's arm; the megane replies with a bored snort and nods with his head, refraining from saying one of his jokes to the guy in front of him.  
«I've never said the person under discussion is a boy.»  
Kageyama whispers defensive; he never liked to talk about personal topics with others, he's relieved to know that none of his friends would discriminate him for a thing like this, of course, but talking about it makes him blush - as if there was something to be ashamed of.  
He never cared about what the others thought about him, not on the court nor out, but a part of him always fears the judgement of those he knows, almost with the fear of disappointing their expectations.  
He's more prudent since he became a player of Karasuno's team because he knows that he's not alone and, he finally understood, that some of his decisions are important for other lives too.  
«If you say it while blushing like a 12-year-old girl, sorry, I can't believe you»  
For the first time Hinata and Tsukishima agree on something; nobody cares if one of the best setters of the entire Japan is homosexual, instead, among them the curiosity begins to grow, they want to find out who's the infamous guy who haunted Tobio so much.  
Yamaguchi is, among the three, becoming impatient in silence; he was the first to discover the disease and Tobio understands his emotions by the expression on his face, it's clear how badly he wants to help him to confess - although he was more neutral while explaining his opinions.  
  
«Hinata, don't scream and you,» Tobio points Tsukishima, feeling his heart skips a bit;«don't make any jokes, please.»  
They don't promise anything, rather, Hinata already seems ready to jump around the café and Tsukishima is not better, holding a sarcastic laugh.  
«He's not from the Karasuno.»  
Tobio holds back from saying his name in public, he fails because he feels the gaze of everyone - the strangers too - on himself, and he'd do anything to be able to return back at home and forget the awkward conversation.  
«We know him, right?»  
Yamaguchi asks him gently, whispering as if he wanted to be heard only by Tobio; the latter appreciates his privacy, he has proved to be a good friend and Tobio will remember his loyalty, one day, when Yamaguchi will need his help.  
  
«He's Oikawa, Oikawa Tōru.»  
Tobio's cheeks turn candid red, babbling his name intimidated; he squints shortly after, he hasn't the courage to meet others' eyes, but hiding behind his own eyelids is useless because neither Hinata nor Tsukishima manage to remain silent after the shocking revelation.  
It's a burst of murmurs hard to understand, desperate and surprised; for a moment – that for Tobio seems an eternity - nobody speaks, as if they didn't know which are the right words to say to not destroy completely his hope.  
«What?!»  
Hinata screams loudly and goes back to sit when, annoyed, a maid scolds him and he's so embarrassed that he just stays silence for a couple of minutes.  
Kageyama looks down and fiddles with the little spoon in his cup, mixing the residues of milk and sugar on the bottom of it; he's not angry about Hinata's amazement, it was predictable, but Tobio regrets saying it because now he has to accept the truth once and for all: _he likes Oikawa._  
  
It's complicated, for Tobio, to admit to being in love with a person who he rarely tolerates; he's in a situation of fragility, one day he would like to kill Oikawa and the next day too, but his heart never follows his brain, unfortunately.  
«So it would be a sort of Royal Wedding if you'll become a couple; so fucking hilarious.»  
The sarcastic joke of Tsukishima arrives, late, but arrives; Yamaguchi attempts to retain a genuine laugh, he doesn't want to offend Tobio, but it's obvious his appreciation for Tsukishima's irony.  
Even Hinata, for a single second, mentions an amused smile, but then he pulls himself together and his gaze goes on Kageyama's pale face.  
Hinata's biting his lip, it means something that Tobio fails to understand; he seems upset again, this is the only certainty of that expression that makes him look like an offended child.  
He snorts, but words escape from his mouth and he doesn't regret them, although Tobio doesn't seem very pleased with the polite insult about the Aobajosai's setter.  
«But-but, he's an arsehole, Kageyama!»  
Tobio would like to reply with a simple _"You don't say"_ , but listening others attack Oikawa leads him on the defensive, as if only him has the right to offend him like that.  
He thinks that there is no one else who knows Oikawa well – it's an arrogant thing to say, maybe - but months of _“dating”_ haven't only brought to a more or less great sex.  
Tobio discovered a daily routine of the latter that few others know - Iwaizumi, certainly- but Kageyama can claim to know Oikawa's room as if it was his.  
He's accustomed to his way of speaking, he sees the difference between the popular boy in school and the loner Oikawa when they are at home.  
He's not only annoying jokes and sarcasm, he's more behind false smiles and his being extroverted; Oikawa is also the lazy ass who likes to watch aliens' video on YouTube, the loving uncle and the boy who hides his uncertainties behind a cheery appearance.  
Tobio hates him, often, but not _always_ , and thinking about him just makes him remember the taste of that kiss - _error_ \- that he's unable to erase from his mind, even after weeks of solitude.  
  
«Come on, come on, tell me at least three qualities of the Grand King, I want to hear you speaking.»  
Hinata challenges him, crossing his arms to his chest to look stern as possible; he's incredulous, but the effect of the surprise starts to fade and now it only remains a frustrating rage to which Tobio doesn't want to reply.  
He owes nothing to Hinata nor anybody else at the table; he may be wrong about Oikawa, he wouldn't defend him wholeheartedly, but his emotions are still something that he hasn't chosen and he has no way of changing them.  
«He's good at playing volleyball.»  
«I knew you'd say that.»  
Tsukishima interrupts him laughing; he's not surprised by Kageyama's stubbornness nor by his stupidity, but unlike Hinata, he doesn't care too much about Tobio's love, even if he finds the situation rather funny.  
«He's good at volleyball and ...»  
«Only that, exactly!»  
Tobio pinches Hinata's neck, angry after being interrupted abruptly; the simple attack seems to have tamed the little decoy that, however, doesn't stop snorting - almost disappointed by the sentimental blindness of his friend.  
«It's not true, Oikawa-san knows how to listen others, when he wants to.»  
Tobio whispers it not very convinced; he knows how Oikawa behaves with his teammates, he's an excellent motivator if needed, but he doesn't talk much with him; about school, sometimes, but they avoided any conversation between them because it was difficult and awkward, as if sharing too many moments of everyday life could make their meetings more than just sex.  
  
«I have to go, this is getting too mushy for me.»  
Tsukishima breaks the silence rising from his chair, he leaves money on the table saying he pays the breakfast for everyone – for pity, not kindness – and Yamaguchi follows him shortly after, but first he whispers something in Tobio's ear.  
«Hey, I want to know the secret too!»  
Hinata tries in vain to listen, but he only hears a confused murmur and Kageyama – now more pale than before – doesn't reply, no busy with his smartphone, writing a text that Hinata carelessly reads.  
  
«Oh God, you want to meet him?!»  
«Shut up, be quiet.»  
  
 

 

Sun. 8:20 a.m.  
[ **To T** **ō** **ru:** Can we meet?]

 


	7. Buone cose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> «Let's end it here.»  
> Tobio's voice trembles, an undecided and dramatic murmur; those words are completely spontaneous, he spoke without thinking, and part of him regrets it already.  
> But he now has decided – continuing their pact would be only a silly idea, they don't want it any more, they don't want each other in that way, and to be honest, Kageyama was never really into sex; it was an experience now at its end, he believes so.  
> «Tobio, Tobio. Are you saying this because of the kiss, right?»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait and sorry for the shitty ending too. I hope you liked this fic as much as I liked to write it.  
> The last thing: I created a brand new **Oikage server on Discord** yesterday, so if you want to join, here's the [link.](https://discordapp.com/invite/VzgtV7x)(There's no one for now haha)  
>  Thanks for the support, it means a lot for me!

The city takes different shapes under the last rays of the Sun; the sunset paints elegant shadows at the foot of the buildings and all around lingers an atmosphere of calm anticipation.  
The kids come out tired from school, some salarymen take a break for a fast dinner and Tobio, in that picture of busy city life, is a trembling dot that goes unnoticed.  
The temperatures are dropping, a slight wind blows on his face and he tightens a little in his school jacket, rubbing with warm hands his uncovered legs.  
He curses to himself because he left the gym in a hurry; now he's unpresentable, he notices it while looking at his own reflection in the shops' windows: flocks of black hair are stuck on his forehead and his breath is still heavy, irregular for the nervousness.  
It starts to get cold, yes, and the bag with his clothes and books is heavy on his shoulder and sometimes he has to stop, avoiding the glances of strangers, because a chill caress his sweaty skin.  
His calves tremble while walking, but Tobio doesn't stop - _he can't stop now_ \- because the conbini where he must meet with Oikawa is near him, only a few steps to divide him from the entrance.  
  
The neon sign of the mini market is reflected in a puddle just below – as a last hint of an annoying morning rain - and Tobio steps in with his sneakers, jumping fast shortly after because they're becoming soaked.  
Then he curses to himself, because in front of the conbini he doesn't recognize any well known face; there's only one man, in a narrow corner, looking disinterested and his chapped lips release perfect circles of smoke, disappearing right after in the humid air of the city.  
There's not even a sign of Oikawa there; the silence that greets Tobio in the small parking lot is distressing, uncomfortable, and he hates just a little more his ex-senpai because, if he had known about the latter's lateness, he'd be taken a shower, instead of running like a madman out of the Karasuno's gym.  
It's too late to go back now and, while looking at his own shadow cast on the wet asphalt, he whispers a shy _"what an idiot" –_ to himself, and maybe to Oikawa too – because Tobio can't resist like that, in the cold with only his uniform, even though his shoulders are protected with the team's black jacket.  
  
  
Dense clouds cover the sky above his head and he hopes it won't rain soon – the day is bad just like this - and a part of him now would like to leave everything behind.  
The anxiety doesn't help; Tobio still trembles, thinking about what they might say to each other and about what he should tell first.  
But he's still undecided, he's undecided because the conversation with his friends, whilst proving to be useful, left open several issues and, in a strange way, it has also created new ones.  
However, the aspect that he hates the most about all this story is knowing to be the only one to feel this way: slowly consumed by worry.  
Oikawa will be the same as always, a smile to greet him and an aura of lightness to point out that, after what happened between them, there is no reason to be upset.  
Yes, for Oikawa it's easy to forget, to pretend that nothing happened since the last time they've met; for Tobio, instead, it's normal to wonder what has occupied Oikawa's mind on those last quiet days.  
_Did Oikawa too, at night, naively think about their meeting? Or did he, as Tobio, reveal his insecurities to someone else?_  
These are questions to which he's not sure he wants to receive replies; it would be an illusion to imagine that Oikawa is living the same pain.  
It's Kageyama, paradoxically, the more unlucky of them; he has a gift for all, even being in uncomfortable situations like this, and constantly he asks to himself how it was possible to feel so stupid feelings for an equally stupid person.  
Oikawa can have what he wants, he has already got something from Tobio months ago when, for the first time, the younger agreed to have sex with him; and he had been naive, again, thinking that their relationship could develop into something beyond their rivalry.  
All the initial balance even seemed to work, they avoided those topic that could make them discuss and it was interesting, at first for both, to discover sides of themselves never taken to account before.  
Tobio was used so much to Oikawa's presence, he doesn't even remember how it all began; he doesn't know why and since when, but it was liberating to be away from home.  
Oikawa helped him with his homework, _rarely_ ; sometimes they even remained in his living room, lying on the floor while commenting some stupid quiz on TV.  
The problem between them started from there: they continued with all these little things, always accompanied by sex.  
Maybe Kageyama was wrong; he had to stop as soon as they realized that there were many others, little things between them, but he underestimated everything because Oikawa has not changed, he remains the same.  
And in the end Tobio felt into the trap of the grand King: a nice trap, but now tiring.  
  
  
At that moment Tobio finally sees him arrive; it's a far blue-white stain in the dark of the night, an umbrella covers his head and only now Tobio realizes that it started raining.  
The tips of his shoes has become wet, as well as his bag, and to protect himself from the sudden thunderstorm he becomes even smaller against the wall of the mini market, occupying the corner where just before the anonymous smoker looked at him.  
The figure of Oikawa is now more defined and, while watching him, Tobio wonders if he's always been so cute - no, not the superfluous _"cute"_ than others think, but a sincere beauty that only the lucky ones can see.  
Oikawa's hair is damp, with no product to fix it in an unnatural position; he seems older and Tobio feels infinitely small, as soon as his careless glance rests upon him.  
His eyes are red, and he returns to be the usual baby when he rubs them annoyed – as if he was too attacked by some sudden illness.  
He mentions a little, no, tiny smile; it's a tired one, but it has the power to make Tobio blush anyway, because the younger recognises Oikawa's lips immediately and it's natural to remember their only and last kiss.  
Tobio would like to greet him first, but his mouth remains sealed, as well as his rigid body under the latter curious gaze; it would be enough a simple _"Hello"_ or a more casual _"Hi"_ , but no, Tobio remains silent and Oikawa notices his nervousness.  
He had promised to himself to not show any weakness in front of him, but it's an impossible challenge - the only one he always manages to lose against him - because Oikawa is so good at understanding others, especially when it comes to his stubborn kōhai.  
Tobio serves his shyness on a silver plate, it's so blatant that, for the first few moments, Oikawa approaches him and remains silent, contemplating his little kōhai's face as if he was a kind of contemporary art masterpiece.  
_Waiting, fear, pride_ – a triptych that unites them now, which brings them closer like they may never have been, a paradox, considering how in the silent they both resists against the same illness.  
  
«Tobio-chan, don't tell me you started smoking.»  
Oikawa pops his tongue against the palate and his eyes falls on the cigarette butts that are crushed to the ground, so close to Tobio's feet.  
_He's too young to be able to smoke_ – this is what Oikawa thinks as if he is actually interested in his kōhai's health; he shouldn't, but a part of him wonders whether if it's the smoke, now, that makes Tobio's eyes so desperate.  
«No, I - no. A volleyball player shouldn't do that.»  
His words looks like a reproach, as if he knew that Oikawa tried a cigarette once, years before; it was an experience of a moment, something that he left behind because yes, a serious athlete shouldn't smoke.  
«As you wish. Can we go in? I have to buy some things.»  
Tobio follows him in silence, the sliding doors open up as soon as they are in front of the entrance and, once inside, the warmth of the conbini heats their chilled bones and they finally relax, loosening their muscles from the previous tension.  
They're alone, not a costumer or a clerk to receive them; a singable pop song echoes between the lanes and Oikawa moves with ease through the well ordered shelves, turning sometime to be sure that Tobio is right behind him.  
He seems anxious, now that Tobio notices it, and it's a show difficult to interpret because Tobio never saw him like this, maybe only during some volleyball match - never in front of his always-mocked-kōhai.  
It's a kind of anxiety that tickles Tobio's skin too, a shiver which shakes his body and really, if Oikawa is nervous it means that something need to happen among them today - something that Tobio begins to fear.  
He knows, he must be the first to end it, he would like to hurt Oikawa as he did years before, maltreating him only because unsure of himself.  
It would be a good revenge, _his revenge,_ but Tobio just can't because he's not that kind of person.  
If they have to end their affair it's because he can no longer hold the indifference and the illusion; concluding it would be a good choice for both, not only for himself.  
«Tobio-chan, I thought about something.»  
Tobio's thoughts are interrupted by the whispered words by Oikawa that, right now, has a small basket in his hands and inside has already placed some products that Tobio didn't see before **;** they are all crap that Oikawa usually doesn't eat: snacks, sweets and candies that Tobio rarely found at his house - the previous times.  
  
«How strange.»  
Tobio's reply is ironic, a murmur that makes Oikawa smile; it's not a convinced one, and his gaze tries to avoid Tobio's figure, focusing on the cosmetic products in front of him.  
Neither of them speaks and for Tobio it's okay; he prefers the silence, rather than some of Oikawa's bullshit just to convince himself to be the best.  
But Tobio doesn't care about being in constant competition with him, the latter will always be good at something: _with girls, with feelings and with people in general._  
No, Tobio doesn't care, because he knows that, at least in volleyball, he's fated to surpass him, but it's a topic they always avoid because he doesn't want to make Oikawa feel bad; he doesn't want to humiliate his ex-senpai, even if he has the power to do so.  
Stupidly Tobio continues to admire him, even if he doesn't deserve it, considering how things are going between them.  
  
«Let's end it here.»  
Tobio's voice trembles, an undecided and dramatic murmur; those words are completely spontaneous, he spoke without thinking, and part of him regrets it already.  
But he now has decided – continuing their pact would be only a silly idea, they don't want it any more, they don't want each other _in that way_ , and to be honest, Kageyama was never really into sex; it was an experience now at its end, he believes so.  
«Tobio, Tobio. Are you saying this because of the kiss, right?»  
The question comes unexpected, it means that Oikawa has not forgotten; yes, he was conscious during those moments, it's a vivid memory that isn't faded from his head and, foolishly, Tobio begins to believe that the gesture has also influenced Oikawa, in some strange way.  
It cannot have gone unnoticed _-a damn kiss!_ \- it wasn't the first for Oikawa, and certainly not the last of his life, but it was a kiss with Kageyama Tobio - _the Prodigy, his shadow, his enemy._  
It's a paradox that Tobio didn't forget, in fact, that segment of his recent past restarts every night, in his dreams; he wondered how it could be true - a so intimate act between two people who hate each other so much.  
An action with consequences that even Tobio can't imagine, but in the sad silence of the conbini Oikawa's face seems surprised, irritated even.  
«No.»  
Tobio's skin is on fire, he knows he's just blushed because Oikawa's smiling at him, pleased to see how bad his kōhai is with lying.  
And Tobio tries to convince himself: the kiss meant nothing, it was a mistake to forget, he wants to end the affair because he decided that his own feelings are stupid and that volleyball is more important.  
Maybe he'll have a surgery – _or maybe not?_ \- but now it doesn't matter: Oikawa Tōru must disappear from his mind right now.  
« _Oikawa-san_ , you broke the rules.»  
Tobio accuses him, it's easier to blame exclusively him; Oikawa's the oldest, his senpai – he should be the most responsible between the two and the pact was only about sex, nothing more.  
He didn't respect Tobio's space, he exceeded a limit and yes , it's his fault, because Kageyama would never kissed Oikawa in such a context.  
He imagined it, in a remote part of his head, but a kiss always remained an illusion for him, at least until Oikawa didn't decide to mess everything up.  
They're on razor's edge, they have always been like that; but for Tobio, at the beginning, the situation between them was alright, he even accepted Oikawa's freedom with others – even if he was a little jealous about it.  
They were nothing in the past and they remains nothing today; ashes to ashes, as the westerners would say in this case.  
«God, don't call me like that now.»  
Oikawa's hand trembles, resting a shampoo again on its shelf; he shakes and covers his face as if he has something to hide.  
It seems embarrassment no, it's worse - _shame_ , indecency for something he did or thought; Tobio doesn't understand his new attitude, but he doesn't change opinion, he can't now.  
Tobio doesn't think Oikawa's feeling guilty, it's not repentance, what he reads in his senpai's eyes.  
  
  
«With you it's always like this;» Oikawa murmurs while throwing different products in the basket; some of them fall to the ground, but it's Tobio to collect them, continuing to follow the other in silence «you always have to question everything I do.»  
Tobio would like to disagree: many, many times he trusted Oikawa without complaint; he didn't question his attitudes for years, but the result is what he has now in front of him: a guy who can't make up his mind and lies to himself first.  
«Because you always make mistakes, Oikawa-san.»  
Oikawa rolls his eyes and sighs, refraining from revealing things he might regrets shortly after; he cannot agree with Tobio – it's a matter of pride - but for a couple of minutes he remains silent because he has no arguments for himself.  
  
  
So, they roam, alone, across the departments of the mini market; passing between the various types of food, newspapers and manga, but no one utter a word.  
Only their steps echoes around, Tobio faithfully follows the latter's path, but he waits for a slow reply.  
Oikawa keeps him in a limbo that consumes him slowly, a suffering that he's hating and which, at the same time, doesn't understand.  
_Why doesn't Oikawa kick him out, if he hates him so much?_  
Tobio would be willing to leave, but he waits Oikawa's direct order; he accepted his meeting, an informed decision, but now behaves like a child and avoiding the problems won't make Tobio into thin air.  
_It's the reality; no more monsters in the dark, illusions and fantasies to make fun of him._  
The guy who follows him is the true Kageyama Tobio and the expression which is painted on his face is impatiently asking Oikawa if, in the end, it's really worth risking everything for his stupid pride.  
«Fuck off Tobio, you always did what you wanted and now don't preach to me.»  
Kageyama grabs his hand and that minimal contact is enough to silence him; Oikawa turns, then, trying to analyze the confused expression that spoils the face usually impassive of the younger.  
_Anger, disappointment, boredom –_ Oikawa doesn't know with certainty what it is; he only sees their fingers touching and if Tobio knew, _oh, if he only knew_ , he wouldn't tighten the right hand of his senpai so strongly.  
«Why?»  
«What?»  
Tobio tightens more, and they feel both foolish, although there is no one there to observe them; it should be a little thing, two hands clenched together, but Tobio and Oikawa are not accustomed to everything that is natural between friends or lovers.  
They are all small gestures that, eventually, Tobio doesn't forget and this time no, he won't accept another lie in response.  
«Why did you do that, Oikawa-san?»  
Oikawa sees Tobio well, his blue irides are no longer a confused dot in the darkness of his room and his _"Oikawa-san"_ isn't an illusory whisper under his own blankets; Tobio's question is interesting, but it's difficult to find an answer.  
And finding an explanation is unnecessary for Oikawa, because well, there is no real explanation; he could continue to escape from reality or, for once, lie for a good purpose.  
He'd say that he kissed Tobio because he really wanted it; or maybe not, Oikawa can follow his rationality, knowing that nothing can work between them, even if they try.  
  
  
«What answer would you like to receive?»  
Kageyama is biting the inside of his cheek, then he licks his own lips - now so chapped for the nervousness; Oikawa watches him in a snooty way, impassible to anything Tobio will say later.  
_Don't care about anything_ \- Tobio continues to repeat it to himself because he can do nothing else right now; Oikawa's insistence is incomprehensible, something that makes Tobio believe that maybe, _maybe,_ a part of his senpai have lived in doubt too during the last few days.  
«The truth, it's enough for me.»  
Oikawa sighs, hiding the slight redness which now colours his cheeks; he still considers Tobio the same stupid kid who followed him as someone to idolize, but _now_ \- now Tobio looks like a young adult, so sure of who he is and what he wants.  
And Tobio continues to stare at him, in a sweet silence, admiring a show that he had never witnessed before: Oikawa runs a hand through his own hair, looking vulnerable.  
This is the real Oikawa Tōru - no more games or lies, no presumption or apparent courtesy to please others; it's Oikawa in his simplicity, with those grains of weakness that make his eyes more lively.  
And Tobio just sighs, knowing that whatever the answer will be, it's useless to deny an indisputable truth: he's in love with Oikawa, maybe since the first time he saw him play volleyball, even before the stupid illness and the sex without feeling.  
It's a sad and belated realization, it makes him feel distressed because his pride has denied it for so long, and yet there he is, stupid Tobio observes Oikawa as if his life depended on his senpai's next words.  
  
  
Oikawa leaves the basket on the ground and walks back and forward between the shelves, a hamletic doubt is eating him and his thoughts collide with each other, in an invisible battle from which he won't come out victorious anyway.  
Tobio has the option to reject him, if only Oikawa would confess his feelings; it's a kind of power that he wouldn't want to give to his dear kōhai, but a part of him knows how much he has already hurt the younger in the past and leaving Tobio behind now would mean to forget him forever.  
Yes, get rid of Kageyama Tobio once and for all, forget Kageyama Tobio and relegate him to a simple reminder of his adolescence.  
Oikawa will laugh about all this inconvenience when he'll be adult, or perhaps – _he won't._  
And now he's sure: he can't forget about Tobio and, maybe, he can give a try, for once, for him, _for them._  
A failure is better than regret.  
«Tobio-chan.»  
He turns to him, only now realizing that Tobio's wearing Karasuno's uniform and they seems to live again a continuous _déjà_ - _vu_ , whenever volleyball comes back to their mind.  
He always recognizes in his eyes the same boy who followed him during middle school, and he asks to himself if there's still a part of Tobio who desirers to follows him like he did before.  
And Oikawa knows he doesn't deserve it, he never said _sorry_ or begged for forgiveness, but Tobio is still here with him, after all; and this is mean something.  
«Tobio-chan, your nose is bleeding.»

The younger covers his face with his hand and on his skin there's a perfect, red line; then small drops fall on the floor, but Kageyama doesn't care, in fact, a finger stretches toward Oikawa's figure and he points the older with a surprised expression on his face.  
«Oikawa-san.»  
And in that moment Oikawa licks his own lips and finds a strange taste that pervades his palate, then he looks his own reflection on his smartphone and realizes that a thin red line is there, on his skin too.  
Exactly like the girls of those photos he saw weeks ago, there's blood on his lips; it's the Hanahaki who warns him - not of an upcoming death - but it's a clue that now they can't avoid.

  
  
_Kageyama yes, Kageyama Tobio has his same disease._

  
«Hey, move now, the floor is dirty.»  
The dramatic moment is broken by the conbini's clerk voice, he turns out to be the smoker that Tobio has seen just before outside, and in a rude way he tells the two boys to get away from the spot, forcing them to sit on two stools next to the cash register.  
«Ah, these Brats.»  
  
 

* * *

  
Kageyama remains silent, now small on the tiny chair not far from the counter; from his position he can see the entrance of the shop and the confused silhouettes of the passers-by, some of them are running because they have no umbrella.  
The weather outside is worsened, the sky sometimes lights up with the glow of a lightning bolt, preceded by howling thunders and the sound of the raindrops against the window.  
It's a gloomy atmosphere that reflects well what they are now feeling; the silence is still there, between them, extended towards an infinite that the taciturn Tobio starts to fear.  
But yet, Oikawa is still at his side, so close to feel his knee touching his; the chairs are small for both, but even more for Oikawa who, in an attempt to hide his embarrassment, tries everything to appear at ease.  
Kageyama understands his behaviour because he notices how his gaze is wandering vacuous, pointing the white cream ceiling that he seems to like so much.  
Yes, Kageyama understands it well, it's what Oikawa always does when he feels embarrassed; he flees to another dimension, something that Tobio cannot reach, a shell where Oikawa locks himself in because he doesn't want to disappoint the frivolous image he has of himself.  
And the only thing that Tobio doesn't understand is _why:_ it should be easy for Oikawa to break the silence between them, he's always easy-going and extrovert, but no, he doesn't speak.  
Not a disappointed sigh nor a concerned murmur; it's clear that they're thinking the same thing - _the Hanahaki disease_ -, but the sense of surprise and a touch of pride make them remain motionless, like timeless statues.  
The air is filled with a melancholic ballad, and Tobio would really like to turn off the radio behind the counter because the slow notes of the song are depressing for the moment they are living.  
It has to be him, the first to speak; he wouldn't want to, but Oikawa doesn't give signs of life and if it wasn't for his perplexity about it, he might believe he's been kidnapped by some extraterrestrial creature.  
«Oikawa-san.»  
Tobio mumbles against the tissue with which he's keeping pressure on his nose; his view is a bit blurred and he thinks he needs something sweet, but at the moment he's too lazy to move and he also feels guilty to have bothered the clerk before.  
Anyway, he doesn't receive reply from the latter, only more silence and again an empty expression that he would rather like to see full of the usual smiles that Oikawa dedicates to others, even if by circumstance.  
In this instant in Tobio's eyes Oikawa seems vulnerable; he wouldn't have never thought, but a part of him regrets his false politeness because he can't stand to see this weaker side of his senpai, although he should consider himself lucky to witness so much sincerity.  
  
«How long?»  
These are the first words that escape from Oikawa's pink lips, a lazy whisper that reaches casually Tobio's ears - now reddish for the embarrassment.  
Tobio knows what Oikawa's asking, it's a simple and predictable question, yet he isn't sure about the answer.  
On second thought, he's doubtful that his feelings were born together with the petals: maybe there was a precedent, since those middle school times, which helped him to understand some things about himself that, in other circumstances, he would have just ignored.  
There weren't others that gave him emotions like Oikawa; his senpai was, for better or worse, the watershed between the Kitagawa Daiichi student and everything that happened next.  
Since then, Tobio's changed his approach with volleyball and with his own sexuality too; for him it wasn't crucial to know what kind of person he liked, but it was Oikawa – unintentionally - to make him understand what his standards were.  
It has always been Oikawa to establish a ideal example for Tobio, about volleyball and about romantic and sexual attraction too.  
«It's not important.»  
Tobio mutters in response, meeting the latter's gaze and it's more difficult than he thought to look him in the eyes, without any lies or pride.  
It's more complex because they both feel exposed, without that stubbornness usually used to protect themselves.  
They're unprotected, now, in front of a reality that intrigues them, but at the same time scares them; they've never imagined such a situation, and yet here they are, alone, looking at each other like they're discovering someone new.  
  
«May I ask you something, Oikawa-san?»  
Tobio questions him hesitant, observing his own fingers stained with blood; it's a disaster hard to explain, if someone will asks questions once he'll be at home.  
To be honest, he doesn't really want to go home – it would mean letting Oikawa go and Tobio wouldn't accept an end without answers, at the cost of spending a whole night in an anonymous conbini with the other.  
«Maybe. Not if you know already the answer.»  
Oikawa snarls, avoiding Tobio's gaze; no obvious questions permitted then, like the fact that they both feel something for each other.  
Kageyama would want to hear a confess from Oikawa in person, but he knows how much proud they are – their gestures, when they're together, are always been louder than words, and Tobio can't say that he doesn't like the pragmatic side of his senpai.  
«Your flower;» he now remembers the conversation with his Karasuno's friends and he asks to himself again if Oikawa too spoke about them with others; «your petals, how are yours?»  
Tobio doesn't know exactly why he asks it, he knows it's a stupid question that won't solve anything, but he gives a possibility – maybe starting to believe in fate if they'll find out that the same flower made them sick.  
«It's not important.»  
Oikawa copies his words, stands up and tosses in the near bin his issue full of blood.  
He thinks about what Iwaizumi would do if he were here with him – probably saying he's an idiot as usual, but he would be happy for them.  
Then, he also recalls the conversation with his nephew, a twist of fate, if only Takeru knew that the _"girl who doesn't want him"_ is that Tobio he met years before.  
Nobody would stop him from trying, it's just his superb inner self to stop him - almost fearing that accepting this reality means giving up the competition against Kageyama, as the losing part.  
  
« _Wasurenagusa._ »  
Tobio exclaims it with an arrogance which Oikawa can't understand; his kōhai's eyes watches his and Oikawa considers his display of pride so foolish: _why should he be proud of those damn feelings?_  
He shouldn't, but yes, Tobio seems pleased to feel something for his stupid senpai.  
_And Oikawa maybe begins to envy him, at least a little._  
«Here in Japan it's called like that.»  
Tobio keeps talking, moving closer to the older to reveal something that Oikawa wouldn't like to see.  
Resting on the palm of his hand, here it is, small and anonymous, gracious, despite its fragility – of a shiny blue that hurts Oikawa's eyes, blinded by so much beauty.  
It's a familiar sight, yet seeing a petal in Tobio's hands is a show of great value, unique and painful at the same time.  
«Myosotis.»  
Oikawa whispers searching into the pocket of his uniform; he shows a petal – a white one – and Tobio's eyes now shine with a new light, something that should make Oikawa happy, but it doesn't resolve, however, his indecision.  
_What can they do with all this story?_  
The clash between instinct and reason continues a bit longer, seconds where they observe each other without uttering a word; their eyes are enough because they both realize what they're thinking and it's the instinct – perhaps – to push them towards the same direction.  
For Oikawa is a _"fuck"_ that echoes in his own mind, a sweet word to that paranoia which followed him until now and that, inevitably, brought him there, in the anonymous conbini with Tobio.  
And on the other hand, Tobio seems a little more convinced; it could prove to be a bad choice, but he doesn't underestimate himself and he knows – he's sure – that their petals should mean something bigger than themselves, although they never believed in fate.  
There is nothing romantic in predestination, it's a concept that doesn't suit the two boys, but this is a challenge they both don't want to lose.

  
«Tobio-chan, I got sick because of you; I deserve one more kiss, right?»  
Oikawa spreads his arms and it looks like an invite to the younger; a simple and silly hug, a childish gesture – surely, but after that, their second kiss tastes of trust and truth that no, they both, this time, will ever forget.  
 

 

_{Hey, stay here until the clouds fade away_  
_because it will surely rain soon_  
_you don’t need to say anything_  
_just sing softly for our sake}_  
Kalafina - Kugatsu

  
  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr - @awesomeakimi  
> I WILL COME BACK WITH AN OMEGAVERSE!AU OF COURSE.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr - @awesomeakimi


End file.
